B Movie Reviews

Chopping Mall

2012-01-08T15:57:00.004-05:00

Ah yes, Chopping Mall. A movie with so much promise. Sadly, horrid pacing problems and underwhelming plot devices effectively neuter this haphazard heap of 80's flotsam. Originally released under the name Killbots back in 1986 this film suffered from that one inescapable quality; it being a horrendous piece of shit. Creatively conceived by Jim Wynorski and Steve Mitchell (writers of The Devil Wears Nada, and one of my favorite G.I. Joe episodes "Fun house"), this movie features killer robots "killbots" that roam the Park Plaza Mall in search of people without a valid ID. When an errant electrical storm shorts a few circuits in the mainframe all hell breaks loose and the killbots are out for blood, teen blood.

Here is the fantastic trailer.

After watching that I'm sure you're thinking. Why does this movie suck again? You'd be correct in asking that question. It sucks because they just showed you all of the best parts of the whole movie in 50 seconds. It sucks because after you watch the movie you feel disappointed that they didn't do more with the idea they had. Let me list some things that they did right.

1. They killed the most annoying teen character first. Always a plus in my book.
2. They included dialog like sending the killbots a "Rambogram."
3. They added a head explosion scene.

4. They had the characters improvise explosive devices.
5. They made the killer robots very polite.
6. One of the teen girls burns alive.
7. They decided to make the most of Dick Miller's acting ability.
8. They gave lasers to the killbots!
9. They included a close up shot of a ceramic pig being shot by a laser.
10. They used real snakes and tarantulas.

Let me also list some things they did wrong.

1. The whole story is based around the idea that an electrical storm can reprogram security robots.
2. They included a stereotypical "escape through the ventilation system" scene; which of course is pristine inside.
3. They shot the whole movie in front of Slavicks Jewelry store.
4. They ripped off the design of the killbots from Short Circuit.
5. They showed a store in the mall where firearms where readily accessible off the shelf, along with ammo.
6. They showed the characters loading the clips wrong.
7. They showed the characters using propane tanks as bombs but later showed one of the exploded tanks and it was intact. (continuity)
8. They lead us to believe that random mall jobs include access to a locker room with showers.
9. They wanted us to accept that just because a guy wears glasses and watches old movies that he automatically knows how to jury rig an elevator.
10. They made the killbots bullet proof, except for the part that actually shoots lasers.

Check out these clips from the movie.

The exploding head scene.

Dick Miller gets electrocuted.

Furniture store gets ripped apart by lasers.

Annoying girl is shot and immolated by fire!

Mirror mirror in the mall ...

In conclusion I feel like Chopping Mall suffered from poor direction, absurd dialog, and of course, bad acting. If you watched the clips you've already seen the best parts. Trust me, there isn't much else there. Which is crazy because even though it is only 77 minutes long you expect more. Would I recommend watching it? Not really.

Buy Chopping Mall (DVD) on Amazon

Chopping Mall on IMDB

Chopping Mall on Netflix

Immortal Combat

2011-11-05T21:13:00.003-04:00

3 Stars

Immortal Combat (1994) is an odd duck. Part feel good cop comedy, part action movie, and all ridiculous, this movie delivers on multiple levels of consciousness. The most surprising thing about this movie in my opinion is that it is just cheap enough to be amusing. The next surprising thing about this movie is the cast. Starring WWF's poster child "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, martial arts legend Sonny Chiba, shameless one eye'd character actor Tommy "Tiny" Lister, and Evil-Lyn herself, the ancient Meg Foster, this movie has got more than its fair share of sub par acting prowess. If you combine that with a story that is firmly entrenched in left field and you've got yourself 109 minutes of brain dead b-movie bliss.

So what the hell is this movie about anyway? First, before I say anything else I have to tell you just how much I love how glaring some of the soundtrack decisions are for this movie. It reminds me of the first TMNT movie when Shredder jumped into a scene and a loud guitar riff played, announcing the presence of a true bad ass. Imagine that, then imagine it happening about 46 times. Now you've got an idea of how much they over used that idea. I love it. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the story. It would seem that sometime in the ancient past of the Mayan culture they figured out a way to process a plant root in such a way that it created a drug that, if used correctly, would render a soldier almost immortal. Almost. If you behead them or "burn it with fire" they die. So, not really immortal at all then.

Anyway, some company called HybriCo rips off the discovery of the secret formula from a local scientist and starts creating their own band of supermen. Then, by random chance, they piss off the wrong cops (Chiba and Piper) and they end up contending with them on their home turf. Because the locals believe, mistakenly I might add, that Piper and Chiba are the reincarnated souls of two ancient Mayan warriors called Hanapcu and Splonke, they feel like they are powerful enough to defeat an army all on their own; which is ludicrous to conclude based on the available information.

How does this mysterious "immortal" formula work you might ask? I'll let the good Dr. tell you.

Mr. Scientist guy
"I discovered in the ruins of this island, an incredible story. It seems that the Mayans living on this island had developed a way to create an army of invicible warriors. However, there was a catch. They had to die first. And not just any death. They had to be hunted down like an animal and then killed."

Stupid reporter lady
"Why?"

Mr. Scientist guy
"Well, according to the heirogliphics the Mopens developed a drug from a plant root on this island that when mixed with high levels of adrenaline and cortizone, mutate normal body cells into THEOCHROMOSITES! Now, if you can kill the subject, and induce the drug at the poper moment. *SLAPS HANDS WITH ENERGETIC EMPHASIS, EMPHASISING HOW PRESICE YOUR TIMING MUST BE WHEN INTRODUCING THE DRUG* You in essence create a super warrior that is just about invicible."

And there you have it. The indisputable word of a pathetically obsessed scientist which is inexplicably beyond the realm of that which is contestable, or open for debate.

How is it that Roddy Piper and Sonny Chiba get involved with this band of semi-immortal combatants you might ask? That is a rather pathetic story. Piper and Chiba are at this stakeout of a private party for one of their VIP drug lord targets when their undercover operative goes silent. So they go in to find out what happened to her and end up getting into a fight within 90 seconds. It turns out that one of the leaders of HybriCo was at the party and was impressed with the way they dispatched their feeble foes so she throws them into the squared circle of the Kumite against some battle hardened champions. As soon as Piper wins one fight they start punching everyone in the face and arresting people. Unfortunately they were having so much fun kicking everyone's ass that they forgot about their undercover operative who they later found carved up like a Thanksgiving turkey. In her purse they find a bunch of paraphernalia for a company called HybriCo. so Piper decides to take a trip to the Caribbean island where they operate.

You can't keep an immortal guy down.

While on the boat to HybriCo, Piper becomes fast friends with "Tiny" Tommy Lister after he smashes a guy's nose into a bulkhead for hitting on a nice girl who does not share his interest. They then proceed to have a gay old time.

After more painfully forced shenanigans that push Piper and our mystery girl from the boat together, we see Piper steal her jeep and head out to a HybriCo base. Of course, he is followed by the mystery girl who happens to be a journalist.

The next day Piper goes out to some ancient Mayan ruins, which just so happens to be the exact same place the journalist lady goes on a tour. Once she figures out he's there she goes off the beaten path to talk to him. She is immediately caught and Piper has to defend her sensibilities.

About this time Piper's partner decides to come after him. So, before he goes, he tells his daughter that the only reason he's her father is that he accidentally shot her mother in the chest. Oops. Nice timing douche-bag. Way to tell your daughter of 25 years about her real parentage, right before you go on a suicide mission.

Of course, the minute Chiba arrives on the island he saves Piper from a bunch of henchmen who kidnapped the journalist lady. So they go after her but end up biting off more than they can chew. They end up fighting the "IMMORTAL" super soldiers and get their asses kicked three ways towards the weekend.

Watch at 55 seconds. Piper takes out the immortal guy but the journalist hangs there in the air, defying gravity.

Then some local lady tells them all about the mystic origins of the Mayan "immortal" soldiers and all of the sudden they are the ♫ BEST AROUUUUUND. NO ONE'S EVER GONNA KEEP THEM DOOOOOOWN ♫. They use the only weaknesses the "IMMORTAL" soldiers have in decapitation and fire sensitivity against them. Which is actually pretty lame considering that they don't even show the decapitation happening. In the end we learned that running away from burning people who are crazy loud is impossible. So you might as well stand still and let yourself be killed because there is no way you can avoid it. It's inevitable.

If you like shitty action movies, you will enjoy Immortal Combat. This is a must for all Rowdy Roddy fans and for casual fans of Sonny Chiba. They hint at a sequel but we all know that never happened. Thank God.

Buy Immortal Combat (DVD) on Amazon

Immortal Combat on IMDB

Immortal Combat on Netflix

Chain of Command

2011-08-19T00:06:00.002-04:00

2 Stars

If you're looking a review of the movie Chain of Command that came out in 1994 with Michael Dudikoff, you've found it. If you're looking for a review of the movie Chain of Command that came out in 2000 with Roy Scheider and Patrick Muldoon, you've found it. Ha! Figure that out!

In an unprecedented outpouring of stupidity by the human race we felt it was necessary to release two bad movies with the same name. Saddled with this information I became perplexed, and ultimately, maddened ad infinitum. Why? Why did they choose to call them by the same name? Neither of these movies is about a "chain of command" either. That's the stupidest part. Oh well. Let's get this party started.

To make it less confusing I'll refer to each movie a Chain of Command and not Chain of Command so you'll know which movie I'm ... wait ... screw it. Starring Roy Scheider as the president of the United States, Patrick Muldoon as an idiot, Michael Biehn as a backstabbing douche bag, Maria Conchita Alonso as a bilingual politician wannabe, R. Lee Ermey as a boisterous oil man, and Michael Dudikoff as a one man wrecking crew with impeccable hair, Chain of Command is chock full of character role kerfuffles.

"I normally have a shot of warm Bombay rum with a human pubic hair in it but ... out of pubic hairs." R. Lee Ermey (Head of Western Oil Company)

In the not too distant past, known formally as present day, quite a bit is wrong with the world. You see, in the land of present day, Palestine is called Qumir, and what you and I know as the PLO (NO! NOT POT LIMIT OMAHA POKER!) the Palestine Liberation Organization, is known as the Qumir Liberation Initiative. See what they did there? Tricky bastards. Anyway moving on. The QLI is putting out an APB on all American citizens located within the Republic of Qumir, one of these men is former Green Beret Merril Ross (Michael Dudikoff). The QLI blows up an oil refinery owned by their employer Western Oil corporation as part of a greater plot to round up all of the Americans and complete their staged hostile takeover of the country. One thing they didn't count on is 180 lbs of all-American, big hair, chest thumping, dry witted Michael Dudikoff. He escapes the destruction of the refinery where he works by hiding on the roof, but later, he gets caught somehow and brought before the leader of the QLI who is surprised to find him even somewhat formidable.

Meanwhile, newly elected womanizer President of the United states (Roy Scheider) is on Air Force "numéro un" when an rouge agent tries to kill him. At the last possible moment his hot dog skin face is saved by Patrick Muldoon. Ole' Patty feels pretty bad about it though because he nailed some chick accidentally with a bullet and he doesn't think it is worth it to save Sir Scheider as a person.

Fast forward to the future! Muldoon is part of a crack squad of secret servicemen who protect ... the football? Although, this is no ordinary football, it's a nuclear launch code brief case that only the president can use. Everything is going great. He no longer has to worry about protecting the prez, he just got a cushy assignment on a cruise ship for the weekend, he's even started to gain the respect from his fellow agents. Then, the unthinkable happens. The plot twists DUN DUN DUN. One of his fellow football agents gets a surprise visit from the Chinese special forces. They take his family captive and blackmail him into helping them secure the nukes. Of course he'll only strike at the worst possible moment for Muldoon. Which happens to be right in the middle of his pleasure cruise.

Back in Qumir, Merril is in trouble again. After being forced to help someone who he thought was the QLI, break some American's out of captivity he is chased by none other than the man who blew up the refinery, agent Rawlings. He escapes by way of a crazy jazz playing taxi driver, but in the end, his new found taxi friend is just a turncoat QLI agent in disguise. Agent Rawlings makes the cabbie pay for his lack of vision.

On the pleasure ship Sumaru, B squad commander-in-chief for the day Michael Biehen sets the tone that something is wrong when he asks all of his men to turn in their firearms. He says it's because they're all "friends." He even asks his men to wait tables! Even with all of these red flags no one suspects anything and the meeting between Scheider and the Chinese primeheadguymasterinchargedude moves right along until ... people start dying en masse. Chinese special forces storm the boat and seize control. Our only hope is ... Patrick Muldoon (facepalm). With the shift of power, the nukes are now in the hands of the Chinese government. You know this has happened because the term ICBM is dropped more times than "think outside the box" at a seminar for corporate professionals. When Vice President Valdez (a person who really struggles to say the words Mr. Chairman) fails disengage an active warhead that takes out the Chinese capitol China is POed in a major way, sending a nuke straight to Washington D.C.

This diagram helps the US government remember where China is.

In the land of Qumir, Merril wakes up from his drug induced slumber and finds himself face to face with R. Lee Ermey, head of Western Oil Company. After a brief feeling out period Merril is offered financial security for the rest of his life. All he has to do is shoot his new girlfriend in the face. No problem. Well, actually one small problem, after he pulls the trigger it turns out the gun was never loaded. Oops. That kind of makes it hard for her to believe that you were ever really committed to a long term relationship doesn't it? Oh well. No harm done. R Lee Ermey and Merril walk out of the ancient Roman cistern/man cave with hands on each other's shoulders in diabolical camaraderie. A few minutes later Merril goes ape shit and starts killing people. He ends up in the control room where he uses Microsoft Excel to hack the computer and copy incriminating evidence to a highly robust 1.44 MB floppy disk.

Fortified with knowledge, our hero absconds with the evidence. For some reason he goes back down to the Roman cistern where his girlfriend is strung up like an S&M fetishist to the pool table being tortured by ... who else Agent Rawlings. This makes Merril mad so he throws down in fisticuffs with Rawlings. It gets real pretty fast.

Back in a U.S. bunker, Vice President Valdez's jaw goes slack when the 'board o' nukes' lights up with 20+ warheads coming from China. One person is so upset by this that they even say "oh geez." Upon seeing this mayhem Valdez demands a phone call with the Chinese chairman! She's so stern.

Meanwhile, in mainland China, Muldoon and his new bestie action squad lady friend have somehow found their way through the night to the exact location of the covert separatist Chinese leader headquarters. Everyone is so tame there. Even though the world is in the midst of a nuclear crisis the guards are relaxing and even taking smoke breaks! Muldoon & Company make short work of them and then move on to saving Mr. President. It doesn't quite go as planned.

After Merril wins his pool game he busts his forgiving girlfriend out and makes a run for it. In the process he takes Ermey hostage and GETS TO ZE CHOPPA Arnold style. The only thing I don't understand is this. How did he manage to win a very rough and tumble death match and then run and gun 30 dudes without destroying the highly sensitive floppy disk in his back pocket? Oh well, details.

And they all lived happily ever after. All those except of course the millions who died in nuclear annihilation. Oops. No biggie.

Should you watch these movies? Honestly, these movies are so disgustingly tepid that I can't recommend in good conscience ever viewing them. I'm so glad this is done so that I never have to talk about these freak'n movies ever again. Have a nice day.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. At one point this bearded dude walks in front of the camera and you can't see anything. Nice.

Buy Chain of Command (DVD) on Amazon ... the one about the killing

Buy Chain of Command (DVD) on Amazon ... which one is this one? Does it really matter?

Click me, I'm the IMDB profile for Chain of Command

Me too me too!

Rent me, I'm Chain of Command on Netflix

No, not that one! This one!

The Midnight Hour

2011-06-29T20:35:00.018-04:00

2.5 Stars

The Midnight Hour is a fun movie about a bunch of kids who steal costumes from a museum and accidentally wake the dead on Halloween. It was a made for TV movie that aired November 1st 1985 on USA, that said the production quality is pretty high. What really makes this movie go is the fantastic cast and the lack of serious storytelling. Where it falls short is in the excitement department. Often long stretches of this movie are pretty boring. Overall it's an average experience.

So this kid named Phil Grenville gives this presentation at school about how his great great great great granddad kicked undead ass 300 years ago. Then jocular jockerson gets the not so brilliant idea to break into the museum and steal 300 year old historical garments and artifacts off of the wax figures. Once they make off with the goods they have the equally brilliant idea to break open an old sealed scroll and read a "How to wake the dead for dummies 101" incantation at the cemetery. Smart. This causes old bitch lady Lucinda and her minions to rise from the dead and wreak havok on the townspeople.

What I enjoy about this movie is the fact that all of the zombies have an aloof playful side to them that allows them to dance to music and pull pranks on each other. I hope when I'm dead that I have as much of a sense of humor as these guys do. Some of them are pretty hilarious.

The minor cast members in this movie, as I previously mentioned, are fantastic. Kurtwood Smith (Robocop, That 70's Show, Dead Poets Society), Dick Van Patten (Spaceballs, WestWorld, Robin Hood Men in Tights), LeVar Burton (Star Trek TNG, Reading Rainbow, Captain Planet), Peter DeLuise (Stargate SG-1, SeaQuest 2032), Dedee Pfeiffer (Falling Down), Kevin McCarthy (UHF, Innerspace), and Cindy Morgan (Tron). Also the music was done by Brad Fiedel who did a little known movie called The Terminator. This movie is stacked with talented people. Except for this guy who actually flips off the camera.

I've created a list of things I don't understand in this movie. If you can help me understand them, leave me a comment.
1. There is a werewolf zombie? WTF is that about?
2. Why does 50's cheerleader girl come back from the dead as a red blooded American classic while everyone else is an old and moldy blue-faced bastard besides Lucinda?
3. Why is the judge such an asshole?
4. What happened to all of the vampires after the scroll was sealed again? Are they all okay now?
5. Why didn't they take advantage of a Kurtwood Smith cop zombie?

6. Same question, why didn't they take advantage of Dick Van Patten dentist zombie?

7. Why did LeVar Burton crack eggs on himself as part of his mummy costume? Mummies don't have egg yolk on their chests.

8. How did the zombie that attacked the judge make the trash cans explode outwards and levitate?
9. What is the significance of the signet ring?
10. Why doesn't Lucinda use any magic?

I really wish I could like this movie more but it's just a bit too dull in spots to really be anything more than an okay experience. That said, I do recommend watching it because you'll never see Dick Van Patten as a zombie in anything else. That my friends is a guarantee.

What is LeVar Burton doing here?

The whole time he was a vampire I couldn't help but think ...
♫ Take a bite. It's in their neck. It's fresh red blood cells ♫ (Tune of Reading Rainbow)

Buy The Midnight Hour (DVD) on Amazon

The Midnight Hour on IMDB

The Dirt Bike Kid

2011-06-15T20:06:00.001-04:00

3.5 Stars

This gem from 1985 starring Peter Billingsley of A Christmas Story fame as Jack the dirt bike kid, is a proud addition to this site. Not only does it represent the 80th exclusive review so far but it is one that scores very highly on the nostalgia scale for me personally. I remember seeing it in 1988 or so when I was a kid and I loved the goofy story and the magic dirt bike. I just had to come back to the well one more time and share some of my thoughts with you.

So what is this movie about? At it's core The Dirt Bike Kid is a story about perseverance and sticking it to the man. Underneath the self adulation it's a childish playful romp about a magical and intelligent dirt bike that only works for the right kid under the right circumstances. Sort of like the Sword of Omens except that it's a dirt bike. To me one of the most hilarious things about this movie is the fact that every time the bike gets a new owner this old man pops out of the woodwork and informs said new kid about the merits and dangers of the bike's magical prowess. Honestly it reminds me of that storekeeper from The Neverending Story who knew all about the book and what it could do. Anyway the un-credited "old guy" in this movie is far less helpful. He basically just says that the bike is special but that it also needs the right rider to make it special. No shit Sherlock.

So Ralphie, uh I mean, Peter Billingsley, uh I mean, Jack takes his mom's last $50 that he was supposed to spend on groceries and buys the magic dirt bike from Max. To sweeten the pot he also had to give up his bicycle. Bad deal kid. Of course as soon as his mom finds out about his less than lucrative move with their final $50 she sends him to his room ... forever. But Jack sneaks out and cleans up his new friend.

After Jack cleans up his new friend he takes it for a joyride where he runs into a mean spirited biker gang, hell bent on ruining his good time. That is of course until the magic dirt bike intercedes.

Unfortunately for Jack his mom takes his shiny new bike and throws it in the back of the station wagon so she can hock it to get her $50 back. Dejected, Jack goes to his baseball game where they lose on the last play of the game due to a dirty play by Max who plays for the Hodgkins Bank team (the bad guys). After the game Jack doesn't give a shit that they lost because his favorite semi-sentient dirt bike has found him all on it's own. Jack assumes his mom left it there and rides on over to Mike's Doghouse for the post game celebration. At Mike's both teams are there having a massive food fight. Why didn't I ever get to do awesome stuff like that when I was in little league? All we did was go to Dairy Queen. After the awesomeness subsides Jack leaves the doghouse where he finds out that his favorite post-game hangout is about to become the new Hodgkins Bank HQ building. This makes his so pissed off that he goes on a rampage over to Hodgkins Bank to speak his mind to Mr. Hodgkins himself. He inadvertently interrupts a lude discourse between Mr. Hodgkins and his mom, succeeding in smashing the scale model of the new bank HQ in the process. His mom orders him to go home and tells him that he must return the bike which she had sold earlier that day.

So, being a good kid, Jack returns the bike. At the bike shop he barters with the owner and agrees to do some deliveries for the owner if he'll sell the bike back to Jack. Which is a great deal because what ends up happening is dumbfounding. Jack takes the bike out to make deliveries and he actually hands some packages to the bike and tells the bike to go drop them off. WHAT?!? So the bike must liberate itself? This movie is truly deep on multiple levels.

After that non-sense takes place, Jack's mom tells him that he must go through the system and make an appointment to see Mr. Hodgkins. So instead of calling, Jack goes to his house and interrupts yet another lude discourse that has yet to take place. Mr. Hodgkins, desperate to get back to his maiden of mischief, agrees to meet with Jack in front of the board of directors. A promise he has no intention of keeping.

So the next day Jack rams his magic bike into the board room when the receptionist tells him to go away. Luckily Jack barges in at the exact moment that all of the local news crews are on-site interviewing Mr. Hodgkins about the new bank HQ. Curious about the kid's plight the reporters demand to hear the story and Mr. Hodgkins covers his ass by promising to do everything he can to find a new location for the bank. Yet another promise he doesn't keep. Everyone goes home happy and content that Mike's Doghouse is saved! But wait!

When Jack goes by the Doghouse he sees that a construction site has been erected all around the restaurant. That bastard lied! Jack hitches up the construction trailer to his magic bike and rolls it out into the street where an innocent citizen wrecks their car into it! Smart kid. After that Jack is in an all out sprint from the law.

After his little flight of freedom Jack returns home where he is met by Mr. Hodgkins and the Five-0. I'm not making this next part up, I swear to God. They take his bike away, lock it in the back of a police cruiser, take it to jail, and lock it in a cell! What happened to chains? Why did they lock it into a cell designed for people? WTF? Anyway Mr. Hodgkins sets the insurmountable bail for the bike at $100. When Jack hears this he says "I'll never have that kind of money!" Once Hodgkins is confident that he has outfoxed Jack he leaves the bikeless boy weeping at his doorstep. End of movie right? WRONG!

What happens next is ... insane. Jack gets his bike back when Mike's girlfriend posts the $100 bail. So on his way home Jack is taken hostage by the bike and forced to drive to the construction site. When Jack rages at the bike for being irresponsible he leaves in the stereotypical "I don't want you anymore" moment. At home in bed he cries like a newborn babe. Then ... MAGIC!

Armed with the knowledge of why Hodgkins must have the Doghouse land Jack plans to crash the opening and blackmail Hodgkins into giving them back their hangout spot. What ends up happening is weird. The magic bike successfully wins a tug-of-war with a backhoe. A multiple ton backhoe. After that Jack takes Mr. Hodgkins for a ride all over town on the back of the magic bike. After he scares Mr. Hodgkins into giving into all of his demands he lets him go but the bike flips him into a mud puddle in what is truly a Scooby Doo moment. THE END.

Funny things that happen in this movie.
1. A guy is being kicked OUT of the doghouse.
2. Jack's friend Bo is a mega perv.
3. Every time Jack wrecks the scale model of the bank he crushes the miniature Hodgkins statue.
4. Jack says "Mom you just killed the TV. That's murder." when his mom cuts the coax cable.
5. The magic bike uses some kind of wireless technology to make Jack's computer display images and plants the idea of hacking the bank in Jack's head.
6. $100 is a huge bail.
7. The old man who is caretaker of the magic bike shows up out of nowhere, twice.
8. The magic bike can fly.
9. The magic bike knows how to deliver packages?
10. The very end has an extremely cliche high five freeze frame. I included it for you.

Should you watch this movie? Definitely. Where else can you see a dirt bike come to life and fly away? Nowhere! Pick up a copy of this one and cherish the lameness forever.

Buy The Dirt Bike Kid [VHS] on Amazon

The Dirt Bike Kid on IMDB

The Dirt Bike Kid on Netflix

Hollow Gate

2011-06-08T19:25:00.010-04:00

3 Stars

Hollow Gate (1988) is a weird independent movie brought to you by the people who started the PM Entertainment Group. It's about a kid who is so traumatized by an event in his past that he becomes an insatiable killer on Halloween. Hmmm where have we heard this tale before? Silent Night Deadly Night, which came first, has a very similar story. The main difference being that those movies are set at Christmas time with Santa Claus being the trigger for the killings. This movie is far more lame but if it you give it a chance, it has a tremendous payoff in the second half.

The main character is a guy named Mark. He has no last name. This movie doesn't need last names. Mark's big traumatic event that put him over the edge happened when he was about ten years old. His parents were having a pretty massive, albeit awful, Halloween party at their house where they were playing all of the stereotypical games. Such as bobbing for apples. When it came to be Mark's turn to bob for fucking apples his drunk ass dad came out of the woodwork and started ridiculing him for not securing an apple with his bicuspids at a speed which he deemed appropriate. He then tried to drown Mark in a fit of rage. He failed to drown Mark because he wasn't really committed; just angry at his son for not being very good at meaningless apple games. Personally I'd have been more upset with his questionable clown costume, which did suck. So Mark runs away and later we see him talking to his grandma. That's it.

10 YEARS LATER! It's Halloween again and Mark is working at a gas station. He now looks 35 years old, time has not been kind. He looks so old because the actor who plays him, Addison Randal II, was actually 39 years old when the movie was made. Why did they cast someone who is 39 for the role of a 20-year-old? Oh well, as someone who has watched all eighty-five minutes of this movie, I can assure you that minor trivia such should be the least of your concerns. Anyway, Mark doesn't like how some teenage customers are treating him, making him do pointless things and mocking his position, so he does something about it. He kills them! By using a carelessly discarded pair of panties as a wick he shows them the way to next life by causing their car to explode! He then picks up the phone and calls in the destruction with a smile. I like this guy already.

2 YEARS LATER! It's Halloween again and Mark is hanging out at a store. He waits until everyone leaves the store before he tries his hand at being smooth. He asks the clerk out for ice cream to which she replies. "No, I don't like ice cream." Who doesn't like ice cream? He chases her and asks her if she wants to go to the movies. "I don't like the movies." Who doesn't like going to the movies? C'mon lady, didn't you learn anything when D.A.R.E. came to your school? Just say no! So she hits him with a phone and runs away. The next thing you know she grabs a knife to protect herself and backs into a corner. Awesome strategy. It then cuts to the worlds most embarrassing meeting with a judge where they talk about the girl's family and how they don't want to press charges against Mark. Whoopdeefuck'ndooooo. The only thing we learn is that after Mark acts like a psycho, and tries to strangle a girl for not going out with him, his only punishment is that he is remanded into the care of his eccentric and wealthy grandmother. Why? Isn't he 20 years old? Later his grandma asks him to check out her artwork so he stabs her in the eye with a pair of scissors. Nice.

The teenage kid car dialog is so bad, it's funny every time. Check it out.

So we then see this car full of teens who are on their way to "The Hangar" for a Halloween party. On the way they decide to stop for beers and such which pretty much drains all of their money, which is stupid. Why does only one kid have money? Why did he have to borrow money from his dad? What a bunch of slackers. Anyway, boring kid's girlfriend finds something fun at a costume shop they stop at. It's $9, to which he replies. "WE CAN'T AFFORD IT!" He then makes fun of his friends for eating food which caused them to be in this tragic cash shortage predicament. At that exact moment the owner of the costume shop makes the kids a Scooby-Doo-esque proposition. If' they'll deliver some costumes for him he will let the girl have the wig she wanted. A fair trade since they were already headed that way in the first place. Of course they agree and soon they find themselves at the doorstep of ... Mark's grandmother's house. DUN DUN DUN!

At this precise moment, the film gets good. Just like The Dark Power, the first 40 minutes are sheer boredom and the last 40 minutes are all payoff. Mark starts going through the costumes that the kids brought him and he begins to terrorize them one by one with his whimsical multiple-personality disorder. First he tries on the Army costume with skull splitting results.

Next, Mark tries on the cowboy costume and gets to gett'n on his killer combine! Let it be known that I sometimes get really excited when I see the potential for something great to happen. Usually this excitement is limited to sports. But in this case I actually yelled and cheered for Mark. I said "YEAH! USE THE COMBINE! GET HER!"

Then, if you believe it, it gets even better. Al has a nervous breakdown and threaten's to leave Kim if she doesn't accompany him to ... the golf cart?

Mark has yet another trick up his sleeve when he tries on the equestrian/hunting costume. As the trembling youths start runn'n towards their freedoms in the extremely slow golf cart, Mark releases his team of bloodthirsty golden retrievers! You must see this!

After that the lonely Kim manages to slip out of her bonds when she's taken prisoner and runs away. Mark catches her again but not before the police empty a few rounds into his head. But as with every horror movie we see the killer's eyes open again right before the credits roll. DUN DUN DUN!

After the credits, this movie does one of my favorite things that low budget movies do. It actually shows you all of the good parts again, like a highlight reel. I love that.

Is this movie worth your time? Well, if you watch the first twelve minutes and then skip to the good part, yes. Otherwise it's unbearably dull, twenty-eight straight minutes of NOTHING to keep your attention.

My favorite quote from this movie is this ...
"If we stay in the bushes, and keep quiet, we have the advantage." I love this quote because not only does it fly in the face of logic but it's also a really stupid thing to say because the HUNTER has the advantage, not the prey. Stupid dead kids.

Whatever, watch this movie if you can. It grows on ya. A new Halloween tradition? Hmmm ...

Buy Hollow Gate [VHS] on Amazon

Hollow Gate on IMDB

Timemaster

2011-05-25T23:19:00.006-04:00

3.5 Stars

In the distant future of 2006 Earth is in grave danger. It would seem that drug addled aliens from a distant corner of the galaxy are manipulating the outcome of major events in our world for their own grotesque amusement. They reach out to our world through the use of the "arena;" a sophisticated virtual reality body interface. By way of the arena they carve up the very existence of our species. Only one can play their deadly game and bring an end to their reign of disgusting entertainment. An orphan named Jesse...

What a crazy movie this is. I've honestly never seen anything like it. Usually when you find a really weird sci-fi movie for kids it's boring as hell. This movie is actually very entertaining. Every few minutes something really stupid is happening and you just can't stop watching the insanity.

First of all I should point out that this movie stars some very notable actors and truckload of people that have no business being in films at all. All of the notable actors play supporting roles. Michael Dorn plays the chairman of the arena. Pat Morita plays Isaiah, the disenfranchised alien who's become attached to Jesse. Michelle Williams plays Annie, the young heartthrob. There's even an appearance by Zelda Rubenstein! I really miss that woman. You have to admire someone who didn't get their acting break until age 47. This movie's unfortunate downfall/redeeming quality is that is written and directed by the inept James Glickenhaus. How you go from producing Frankenhooker to making a kids movie about space-time is anyones guess. All I know is that this film represents his last hurrah. His big send off. His... masterpiece.

Sane studio exec #1: "You make that movie James and you'll never work in this town again!"

James Glickenhaus: "We'll see about that. I've cast my son in the lead role. He's gonna be a star!"

Using a plot device that is stolen directly from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and Frank Herbert's Dune, the aliens in Timemaster are addicted to a drug that extends their life; but once addicted they need it to survive. No, it isn't ketracel-white or the spice melange, it's "blue." Also known as "Life Extender." So what the fuck is it? That is never explained. Sorry kids. All we know is that it is "a very rare blue liquid that can stop or even reverse aging." Since this drug can give you eternal life it has obviously become the most valuable commodity in the universe. So, rather than buy it the wise aliens have chosen to create a virtual reality arena where they can fuck with people's lives and bet on the results. The winners get copious amounts of blue. Honestly it sounds like something twelve year olds thought up, and yet a whole society hinges squarely upon the continued operation of this gabling ring. Uhh... ok? I'll let Dorn explain it.

After a brief introduction and some backstory we meet our hero. The son of the director. Jesse Glickenhaus. His plight is very contrived. Essentially it's the same as every other orphanage story you've ever heard. He has to choose between being separated from his sister or chancing the possibility that his grandfather's funding will run out and they'll both be kicked out of the orphanage. *tears of injustice* So in a brilliant move he decides to hand his baby sister a huge wad of cash and make a run for the space-time border.

Once in the past he saves the life of his parallel universe dad who suffered a GSW (gun shot wound) to his meaty upper half. He calls the 19th century partitioner a "bozo who's more interested in spouting bullshit than trying to keep him (his dad) alive." He also says "Blessed are yea when men hate and fear you for speaking the truth." which is a bastardized contextual rip-off of Luke 6:22. Since they don't have any antibiotics they basically heave the befuddled paternal dimwit into a vat of thirst quenching bliss. So I guess cold water heals bullet wounds? That's useful information!

Honestly the thing that really bothers me about the 19th century scene is the fact that they make it appear as though people in the 1860s didn't know what a fever was. Which is complete bullshit.

What other movie has brilliant dialog like this?
"Freeze! Hands in the air, bend over, touch the table, spread your legs, spread your fingers, assume the position, read him his rights, uh I mean, if he moves, shoot him."

Another thing that struck me while watching Timemaster was the copious amounts of stage glass they went through. It's almost like they bought tons of it and were like, "Well, damn it, we paid for this stuff. We're gonna use it!" So every few minutes someone is flying through a plate glass window or glass is breaking for no explicable reason.

One thing I wanted to share with you personally was the joy I experienced while watching the 50,000 dominoes that Pat Morita setup accidentally set off by a careless action from Jesse. It's things like this that really strengthen a friendship. He was a few minutes away from setting some all-time domino stacking records. Oops! Not anymore. That brought a smile to my face. So also did the ginormous headgear that Jesse had to wear when he traveled to and fro in the space-time rifts. As seen on the movie artwork Jesse has a massive helmet which, as near as I can tell, does absolutely nothing. Later in the movie Jesse is forced to share his oxygen source between himself and Annie whilst they traverse the void.

One character I really don't get is Isaiah (Pat Morita). He's basically a disenfranchised alien turned renegade pawn who takes Jesse under his wing and teaches him the ways of space-time. The thing of it is though that Isaiah has no discernible motivation. Sure, he befriends Jesse, but other than that he has absolutely no reason to do anything. He openly admits that he never thought of Earth and its people as anything other than entertainment. So why the sudden change of heart? Also, if his entire people and society is built upon this morally absent vacuum of depravity that is the arena why would meeting humans change his mind? Wouldn't he just casually brush their silliness aside like the ideals of the rest of worlds they devoured? I just don't get it. And what is with the dominoes? If anything that is racist. Hmmm lets see. Pat Morita is Asian so lets make his character really good at something meticulous and painstaking like laying 50,000 dominoes. Why couldn't he be an artist or a hippie? Why did he have to be Miyagi 2.0?

One scene in particular really bothers me. In this sequence Morita, Jesse, and Annie are trying to escape from the baddies in a three seat motorcycle. After they successfully make it to the junkyard where the space-time crack appears Jesse gets the idea to use the magnetic crane to pick up the baddies car. Which is actually really smart. But then, stupidity strikes! I can't even explain it, just watch.

Ok so there another scene where Jesse and Morita make it back to the arena. Once there Jesse gets to watch his dad fight people in the arena. Without a doubt it is one of the weirdest scenes of any movie I've ever seen. It's just so perplexedly bizarre. So incalculably calculated. So... strange. While watching the arena sequences I couldn't help but notice the virtual reality controls look like a Fisher Price™ "My First Apocalypse Control Panel." Also, since when did uneven gymnastic bars become part of a battlefield?

The loser of the arena is locked into their chair. Once immobilized they have the life sucked out of them neatly with a syringe. The result is pure blue. Without the blue this is what happens.

So after Jesse makes it to the arena he bets Dorn that he can kick his ass in the arena. What follows is something even Operation Delta Force IV would be ashamed of. It's Jesse vs. Dorn in a no holds barred grudge match for the ages. Just look at this non-sense! They're skiing below the tree line but when they pan out the wide shot is the Himalayas!

After Dorn gets his ass handed to him Jesse's dad starts rambling like a lunatic about... I... I have no idea what the hell he's talking about.

I made it a quote so you can read the confusion for yourself.

"I know that I have to wake up, but I never do. And I know somehow that I'm not dreaming, but I keep hoping that I am because... well, I must be. And someday, somehow I'll wake up. Do you know what it's like to bounce from one nightmare to another? To be scared... no one to turn to because what you know is happening, can't be happening? So it's not happening... but it is. The only person who's not trying to kill you is the only face I sometimes see when I look up into the sky."

So Dorn's great plan to eliminate Earth once and for all as a great spectacle for the masses is averted by Jesse. The plan is... mind bogglingly unrealistic. His goal is to turn an electronic knife into a remote controlled helicopter of death in the White House kitchen on Thanksgiving Day 2006. In the kitchen sits the Navy officer whose hand is permanently cuffed to the attaché case which contains all of the nuclear missile launch codes. The chef gets blasted in an explosion. The Navy officer dies at the hands of a Kitchen-Aid whisk! Then the rotor blades of the electronic knife helicopter flies over to the case, slices open the locks, and keys in the launch codes which will produce the dystopian future that ends all of humanity for good. Unless of course Jesse can stop it, which he does. But what's also crazy about that is that he uses Billy the Kid's six shooter from the Old West parallel universe time rift to shoot down a remote controlled electronic knife helicopter. The whole sequence takes about five minutes to parse.

One thing I forgot to mention. All over the place in this movie there is ridiculous product placement for Pepsi. It's not quite as bad as Mac and Me is with Coke and McDonalds, but, it's still pretty bad.

In conclusion. This movie is ridiculous, hilarious, and very unique. More people must see it! You too must experience it and tell others. Tell them about the TIMEMASTER!

Buy Timemaster [VHS] on Amazon

Timemaster on IMDB

TerrorVision

2011-05-13T13:10:00.001-04:00

2.5 Stars

TerrorVision is one of those movies that had a lasting effect on my psyche. I remember seeing it initially when I was very young. I was so young that it was around the time when the G.I. Joe episode The Synthoid Conspiracy aired, where artificial people melted into piles of shapeless goo. All I'm trying to say is that seeing things like that will mess you up on a deeply subconscious level. Until recently I've experienced trepidation about watching TerrorVision again. I wasn't sure that I wanted to relive it. But, as it turns out, it's quite tame now in my adult perspective and actually pretty funny at times.

Opening theme song. That's how you know it's good.

So what is TerrorVision about? Basically an alien race royally cocks up, and accidentally beams a monster in pure energy form towards earth. So of course the Putterman's new Do It Yourself 100 satellite dish picks up the signal. Soon afterwards they realize just how bad that is. The monster uses their satellite system to materialize back into corporeal form. From there its hungry reign of mayhem an shenanigans begins.

Why is this movie funny now when it was so scary as a child? Good question. The answer is simple though. As an adult it's easier to pick up on things like mood, and parodies with obvious cultural overtones. e.g. One of the characters is a rocker teen youth named O.D. Also looking back on it now it's easy to see where they got their ideas. They stole most of them from John Carpenter's The Thing. The others were pedestrian musings from Ted Nicholaou's brain. The result is a movie any twelve year old would be proud to call their favorite.

What do I like about TerrorVision? Primarily I'd have to say it's the combination of a silly idea executed with perfect immaturity and lack of seriousness. It seems as though the script was conceived over the course of a sleepover one evening. It is wrought with campy lines and over-the-top gross out moments. The special effects are just poor enough to be kitschy. Essentially this movie is just fun to watch, which is the way pretty much every comedy/horror should be judged. I love that the house is full of pornographic artworks of all kinds. It's just the kind of wholesome environment you'd want to expose your children to. All of the Putterman's possess questionable moral turpitude, which adds to the experience.

Executive Producer Charles Band found a way yet again to include Blackie Lawless, W.A.S.P., and his successful tune Tormentor. It is no way the full on tribute Tormentor receives in Ragewar but it's there for those who know where to look.

What scene messed me up as a child? I can recall two of them distinctly. There is a scene where grandpa Putterman gets eaten by the monster. Shortly afterward the monster vomits a half monster half grandpa version of him out of it's mouth to communicate with other family members. That was fucked up. The real deal though was
the scene where the daughter takes the son into the parents bedroom. In the bedroom were the parents and their guests, all in bed together, covered with a nasty glistening sheen of slime. The monster had of course eaten all of them as well and was merely reproducing their heads for this farce. Under the sheets their bodies were just a writhing mass of putrid purple slime. That was an image that stuck with me for more than 20 years. Burned into my memory like a tragedy. This time around though I didn't think it was scary at all. Weird? Hell yes. Scary? Not really.

Grandpa gets eaten!

Regurgitated grandpa Putterman carries on a conversation.

Personally I'm also a fan of the part where our beloved extraterrestrial pet Kool-Aid mans his way through a wall and sucks everyone into his gaping mouth vortex. What a way to go.

I think the scene which really illustrates the mood in which this movie is intended is when Pluthar from Pluton shows up to collect the monster. He would've succeeded except for the fact that Medusa thinks he's evil and kills him within the first eight seconds of meeting him. Oops. Oh well. That can't possibly come back to bite our protagonists in the ass. Oh... Never mind.

Should you watch this movie? Sure, why not. Give it a go on Netflix and leave your impressions of this heap in the comments.

Buy TerrorVision DVD from blujay

TerrorVision on IMDB

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Roller Blade

2011-03-22T20:48:00.013-04:00

3 Stars

Roller Blade (1986) is one of those movies that makes you believe that anything is possible. Written and directed by B movie powerhouse Donald G. Jackson, this movie does not disappoint. Beginning with the debut of the cosmic order of Roller Blade; a gathering of lithe roller-vixens wearing robes and pointy hats emblazoned with the smiley face symbol of love, justice, and understanding, we see just what has become of our future. Broken, war-torn, toxic, and washed out is the land all around Southern California. The last line of defense between chaos and reason is the cosmic order and their roller "blading" sisterhood. You see, not only do they skate ... EVERYWHERE ... but they also use their switch blades for killing and healing. Powered by a magic crystal whose mysterious abilities imbue righteousness into otherwise pedestrian edged weapons, the sisterhood fights against the evil Dr. Saticoy and his unctuous hand puppet.

First things first, let me get a major rant off my chest. Everyone in this movie, including all of the Roller Blade sisterhood, wear roller skates, not roller blades! This isn't a minor thing in my opinion. It's like calling yourself the Jeep Patrol when you really drive Ford F150s! It's the difference between Pall Malls and Virginia Slims! IT'S A HUGE DIFFERENCE! Unless of course by blade they mean edged weapon. Then it makes sense I guess. But still, they should have just used roller blades instead of skates to alleviate the confusion.

Telling you the story of Roller Blade would be pointless. Essentially it's an 88 minute conglomeration of hilarious post apocalypse thoughts, ideas, and characters. But when you break it down into smaller parts it doesn't really make much sense. So it's best to think of it as one massively effective waste of time that just happens to be funny as hell. Instead, I think it will be more entertaining to simply talk about some of my favorite parts of this movie.

The dialog. This is some of the most intentionally funny dialog ever written. Essentially we're led to believe that in the future, those who remain civilized speak English as though they were reading from the King James Bible. On top of that, what they choose to say sounds stalwartly capricious and generally ridiculous. So it makes for a brilliant combination.

"Thou must stay inside until thy learneth skating." -- Marshall Goodman to his son.

"Tune thy instrument to the holy frequency and await my word." -- Marshall Goodman to a new deputy.

The wardrobe. Again, brilliant. The sisterhood chooses to adorn themselves with holy robes, veils, and symbols of religious influence (the great Smiley Face). While other less desirable dregs must clothe themselves with anything they can find. The mighty Dr. Saticoy is dressed like a cross between a Star Trek Admiral, Jason Voorhees, and a Luchador. He also has a sentient puppet for a hand who is dressed in his own miniature outfit.

The choreography. It is deliberately over the top and childish throughout the entire film. Which makes it fun. Fight scenes generally encompass little more than flippant glimpses of actual skill. Though most everyone is good at skating, there is one exception.

The setting. How the world was destroyed is never explained. Frankly we're better off for it. Most of the movie is spent either at the sisterhood's temple, in Saticoy's lair, or skating the wastes. Saticoy's ultimate goal is to steal the magic crystal possessed by the sisterhood and use it to ignite the fuel for his rocket car. This will enable him to visit Mecca CO., the machine operated weapons factory which lies across a bottomless chasm that happens to be right next to his lair. With the power of unlimited weaponry his five man army can rule the wasteland. At least, in theory.

The numerous random acts of hilarity. There seems to be no end to them. What starts as a comment here and a well placed smiley face there soon grows into an unstoppable cacophony of male immaturity personified. Dazzlingly retarded yet oddly ingratiating scenes, when strung together, form an indelible depression on your morality. Watching children fall into acid isn't supposed to be funny but I found that I was laughing.

Reverend Mother "Speed." The mystic leader of the order recants a tale about when there used to be street lights. This then cuts to a scene where a rouge woman on roller skates slashes some poor kid a new trachea.

Knives that heal. That is just a funny concept. You could literally stab someone in the face, let them bleed profusely, nearing the edge of death, and then use the same blade to heal them? Oh but the hilarious part is the fact that the "cosmic order" only permits you to heal someone once in this way. So, several times thoughout the movie people get sliced or stabbed for a second time but they can't be healded again because their card has already been punched. There is no actual limitation. It seems as though the order just got sick and tired of healing people every five mintues so they instituted a policy which says "NO THIRD CHANCES ASSHOLE, DEAL WITH IT."

The Marshall's son. Nevermind the fact there exists such a thing as a "Roller Marshall" who polices the wasteland, but the fact that the son of the Marshall would be unable to skate is mind boggling. Not to mention the fact that his kid, Chris, is like 9 fucking years old. What'd you do for the first 9 years of his life? If skating was that important wouldn't you teach kids how to skate before you taught them how to walk? What the fuck ya'll? Also, why is it so important that people fucking roller skate all over the place? It seems just as appropriate to use a skateboard, so why then is it taboo to walk? There are like a billion scenarios where it would be more beneficial to walk instead of skate. Case in point, the end of the movie, when Sharon Cross and the Marshall are made to traverse the rungs of a ladder while wearing skates! Wouldn't that have been easier without the skates? Lets also think about the fact that when Chris gets kidnapped the Marshall orders the sisterhood to stay behind in their temple, even though their power source was just stolen. They have to wait to recover their sacred relic just because "Marshall Goodman" says so? Way to go Chris! You actuallly managed to fuck over everybody just by sucking so much.

Seeking sanctuary. Rogue baddie on a mission from Dr. Saticoy to steal the magic crystal of the order is able to trick the sisterhood into granting her sanctuary in a strikingly easy way. She simply interrupts their smiley face Jack in the Box dance session by rapping on the main door with her skate. All she then has to do is ask for sanctuary, hand over her dead cassette player as tithe to Mother Speed, and then she's free to become one of the sisters? This is like the easist order to join ever! What are their requirements? Tits, check. Ass, check. Need, check. Fighting skills, check. Ok, you're a sister now. Actually they have a sacred induction ceremony.

Ball bearings as currency. This legitimately made me laugh. As soon as I realized that the low lifes of the wasteland would actually trade a person's life for a bag of ball bearings I lost it. That's just hilarious. They said it was "enough to skate forever." How exciting.

The holy hot tub. I guarantee you this was cooked up in the mind of Donald G. Jackson. It is used to "cleanse the souls" of those who would be sisters. It's more likely that they wanted to have a bunch of women on camera in the hot tub together. That's my guess though.

The magic crystal. Jeebus, how many movies have I seen recently that have a magic crystal? Like half probably. Either way it's becoming a bit ridiculous. The sisterhood officially states that ... "The Cosmic Order of Roller Blade needs the crystal to mend a broken world." Dr. Saticoy says that he needs the crystal because it is the only power source that can ignite his rocket fuel. How about a match ya dumbass? Anyway, he's hell bent on stealing it from the sisterhood. So eventually after much trickery and trepidation the crystal lands in his clutches. He does successfully launch his rocket but it doesn't quite work out how he expects. My real question is this. After the crystal is lost the sisterhood comes out and says that they don't actually need it. That the power to heal comes from within. So ... what the fuck was it for then?

The "Cosmic Order of Roller Blade." Honestly that is one of the most crazy and unique ideas I think I've ever heard of before. A sisterhood of non-violent, knife wielding, roller-babes who spread hope, peace, and a thirst for righteousness throughout the wasteland by propagating their message through acts of love. Oh yeah, and the great smiley face. That's probably the cheesiest symbol ever attached to a religion. So funny.

The musician guard. This is also a concept that I found hilarious but difficult to grasp. Is he a guard? Is he a musician? If he's both then how does he stop people who want to advance? Why is his harmonica made out of duct tape with black lines drawn on it? How do you play a harmonica through a bandanna? This video pretty much explains what I'm talking about.

So in conclusion is this movie worth your time? Yes. Is it better than the sequel? Yes. Why is it so funny? Because there were about 30 times when I stopped and said WTF while I was watching it, and I know you will too. So pick up a VHS copy if you can. I doubt this one will ever make it to DVD.

Buy Roller Blade [VHS] on Amazon

Roller Blade on IMDB

The Video Dead

2011-02-24T21:39:00.004-05:00

2.5 Stars

90 Lost Minutes presents its 75th exclusive review, The Video Dead (1987). I went into this television bursting zombie extravaganza with certain expectations. They were met, but I have decided that this film is ultimately just an average experience. It does contain several unique qualities that act as redeeming counterpoints to the excessively amateurish level of acting represented throughout most of this movie. Featuring more zombies than Popmatic Trouble, including a peeved bride, there is hardly a dull moment.

So I know what you're thinking. What the hell are video dead? They're freak'n zombies that laggardly amble out of a fog emitting and possessed TV set. Once loosed, the video dead become a formidable and bloodthirsty horde of semi-intelligent "formerly alive" personages. Striking out with humor, tenacity, and an emboldened hatred for reflective surfaces, the video dead strike fear into the hearts of men. In fact, fear is their chief source of power. Without it they become benign curiosities of perpetuity; forever wasting their time on whatever trivial stimulus that happens to be within arm's reach. That is of course unless you conceal them within an enclosed space. With nothing better to do they eventually just ... eat each other. Problem solved you say? It's not quite that simple. You see, there is no known way to dispose of their supernatural portal into the ethereal world. All you can do is put as much distance between yourself and it as possible. Which really isn't a responsible solution at all.

What are the Video Dead?

The story of The Video Dead brings us to the home of Henry Jordan, a slovenly bachelor of limited means. His surprise at the delivery of a large wooden crate is entirely justified as he is himself a victim of a shipping mishap. The crate was bound for the Institute for the Studies of the Occult. Instead it found its way to Henry's living room, where he opened it, and discovered its contents. A TV! But not just any TV. This TV shows the movie Zombie Blood Nightmare, plays tricks on those who look at it, and acts as a stepping stone between our world and the world of the dead. Henry never had a chance. Realizing their blunder, the dedicated Hi-Lite Delivery crew returns to Henry's home to recover the crate; but it's too late. They discover his lifeless body instead.

Three months later, the children of the Blair family move into the empty house awaiting the arrival of their parents. A mysterious visitor comes to the door asking about a TV but Jeff Blair finds an immature way to deal with his good intentions. Jeff quickly discovers the TV in the attic when it calls his name and finds out first hand just how dangerous it can be. When the visitor returns, Jeff is much more hospitable towards him, inviting him in to discuss the other worldly object. Stumbling in through the front door, a blue zombie steals Jeff's would-be girlfriend. Fearing for his life Jeff is forced to stay safe and wait for daybreak to retrieve her from the woods. The next day, with the help of his new friend Joshua Daniels (the mysterious visitor and original owner of the TV), Jeff sets out on a zombie hunt. This is the point when we discover an indisputable fact. Jeff Blair is the worst zombie hunter ... EVER! Lets review his accomplishments.

1. He manages to let his would-be girlfriend's babysat poodle sneak out the front door where it runs straight into the deadly clutches of the video dead.
2. When he meets his first zombie face to face he's completely unprepared. He has to run back to where he set down his bow and arrow, run back the zombie, and then fire some arrows. He misses his first two shots completely.
3. He is charged with setting a bear trap "where it will do some good." He later steps in it accidentally, severely injuring his ankle.
4. Acting as helpless bait hanging from a tree he is armed with only a chainsaw. He drops the chainsaw.
5. He fails to recover his chainsaw.

6. He is killed by a zombie using his own chainsaw against him while he displays deplorable close quarters machete attack skills.
7. He allows his would-be girlfriend to be killed.
8. The one zombie he supposedly killed later gets up and dusts himself off, negating his only kill.
9. He manages to turn a clear tactical, strategic, and physical advantage into defeat. By doing so he leaves the problem to his unarmed sister who is holed up in the house alone.
10. He failed to heed any of the warnings about danger of the video dead.

Left to face the zombies alone, Zoe Blair does the only thing she can. She pretends that the zombies are amusing house guests. Strangely enough this actually works long enough for her to trap them all in the basement. She blocks the door with a mirror and sits on the other side waiting for daybreak. When it finally comes she's more tense than the ball throwing tendons of Thomas Ian Nichols in Rookie of the Year. Driven mad by her ordeal she is committed into psychiatric custody. The movie ends with a visit from her pompous parents. They bring her a gift. THE TV FROM THE HOUSE! IT STARTS PLAYING ZOMBIE BLOOD NIGHTMARE! OH NOES!

What did I learn from this movie?

1. Zombies can easily kill poodles wearing sweaters.
2. Zombies love breakfast cereal.
3. It can take up to 73 seconds to die from a zombie choking you.
4. Dead brides like to put people face down into washing machines.

5. The only books you need to fight zombies are ... How to Kill: Volume 1, Understanding Guerrilla Warfare, and the Holy Bible.
6. Zombies can wield chainsaws.
7. Bad parenting can create a zombie holocaust.
8. Nervous teeth brushing can draw blood.
9. Zombies hate mirrors.
10. Committing adultery draws the ire of those who are both dead and alive.

In conclusion I'd have to say that this movie is worth your time. Definitely buy it or pull it up on Netflix Instant Watch and invite a few friends over. Think about it, it's only 90 lost minutes.

CHOCOLATE!

Buy The Video Dead [VHS] on Amazon

The Video Dead on IMDB

The Video Dead on Netflix

Dark Universe

2011-02-16T01:19:00.005-05:00

1 Star

What a useless waste of time this is. A shameless Alien ripoff that fails in every way possible, Dark Universe is the definition of ideological catharsis. With mere minutes of substantial entertainment it's about as shortchanging an experience as you can have in this life or the next. Which is putting it mildly.

Lets examine it's basic elements shall we. You have the entrepreneurial space man Joe Estivez and ... space fungus? Which manages to alter a dude into the form of an insect? It then causes a ship to crash in Central Florida whereupon the indigenous society falls victim to the twisted genetic offspring of spores and armadillos? I can't help but feel that the location of such a crash has much more to do with the geographical grasp of the movie's producer than it has to do with actual chance. I could be wrong. Regardless of setting, this behemoth of doldrum managed to ensnare the next 70 minutes of my life by simply refusing to fucking end. I actually started to do other things. I would look back at the movie, engage about half of my attention, shake my head, and go back to what I was doing before. Multitasking is an essential defense mechanism when watching Dark Universe. If you don't keep busy you'll end up like an under-medicated mental patient in a mid-level math class. Dead.

I could end the review right here and feel just fine about it. But in an vain attempt to gain my slobbering xenomorph merit badge I will tell you a bit more. A salacious bit of info, to which you alone will be privy.

"If you and I needed more red cells it wouldn't do us any good to drink blood. Blood has no nutritive value."

Watch the demise of the creature. Surely something so easy to defeat could inflict little on harm us. Or so you would think. Bear in mind that this very same creature survived re-entry into the Earth's atmosphere in ruinous hulk of trash but it can't survive a flare and ignited swap gases?

The creature was but one of the deadly conjurations of the dangerous orange spores; which also claimed an unsuspecting armadillo.

It even presents itself in the form of a nacho.

In the end we never really learn what happens to the protagonist or the spores. It was all a meaningless exercise in futility. Isn't that fun?

Honestly this is one of the dumbest movies I've seen in a long time. Stay far away from it if you value your sanity. You won't get it back.

Buy Dark Universe (DVD) on Amazon

Dark Universe on IMDB

Dark Universe on Netflix

Star Command

2011-02-02T21:35:00.016-05:00

2 Stars

Star Command, also known as, In the Fold, is a made for TV movie from 1996. It stars the aging Morgan Fairchild as a gimmick to draw you in but don't be fooled. She hardly appears in this movie. Basically it's about a planet that we "found" called Meraz. Well, it would seem than a rival Earth faction called Cynosora has also staked a claim on this paradise world. So obviously it made perfect sense to send a bunch of space navy cadets into the most tense situation possible to settle the dispute peacefully, once and for all. Or not. Left to their own devices once their trusted captain dies they must fight an overwhelming opponent against impossible odds. 40,000 colonists and an entire planet are at stake. Will they succeed? Uh ... yep.

So why did they make this movie? Honestly, I have no idea. It was written by Melinda M. Snodgrass who also happened to write one of my favorite episodes of SeaQuest 2032; along with several episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation. I guess she parlayed this success into enough momentum to write and produce a sub par sci-fi space romp. The funny thing is there was an episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine called Valiant that was basically the same as this movie. A bunch of bright cadets are caught in deep space when their captain dies. They are forced to choose between going home or facing a deadly opponent against immense odds. The only real difference is that they end quite differently. I'm not sure who ripped off who here but one thing is for sure. This is no coincidence.

So why is this movie funny and entertaining? That's a great question.

1. One of the Admirals in the Earth Star Corps wears a fucking mini-disc on her jacket. As decoration?

2. During the cadet's graduation ceremony, the family of one of the main characters is coming down the escalator. So one cadet says to the other "Family descending at 11 o'clock!"
3. The ship on which the cadets serve is called the ... SURPRISE!

4. The cadet who becomes captain of the Surprise looks exactly like Bob the Enzyte guy.

5. During a combat drill the cadets head to their posts directly from their bunks. So some of them are wearing pajamas, and the rest of them are wearing night gowns. In space. On the bridge.
6. There is a jack of all trades droid aboard. Unfortunately this droid is the red headed stepchild of Number 5 from Short Circuit. Apparently, robotics regresses back to 1980's technology in the future.

7. Morgan Fairchild is supposed to be the authoritative figurehead XO of the ship; along with being the sex appeal. SHE'S 46 IN THIS MOVIE!
8. The warring faction of humans known as the Cynosorans are basically just Russians.

9. In the future, torture has become virtual.

10. In the future, sex has become virtual. The funny thing about "PleasureNet" is that it would seem that anyone can clandestinely spy on your most secret fantasies and change whatever the hell they feel like.

11. After the captain dies, the Surprise crashes on a dead moon. What is the first thing Ensign Tully does? PleasureNet.
12. Ensign Jackson is pissed off that acting captain Oort wants to fight instead of flee. So he tries to burn Oort and Yukiko to death by igniting the primary engine while they're inside fixing it!
13. Ensign Jackson kills himself.
14. They bury the captain in space. Why not take his ass home for a proper military funeral?
15. Since they are in deep space they hold a hearing for Ensign Jackson themselves. They cast their "secret" ballot verdict by dropping a colored ball into a cup. The only problem with this "secret" ballot system is that everyone can see what ball you put into the cup. What is the point of that? You might as well go around the table and say "Guilty."
16. As soon as Ensign Jackson faces any adversity he immediately suggests that they all surrender. Because it's pointless to fight. Dude, you're in the fucking NAVY!
17. The sheer amount of bullshit space jargon that is thrown around is hilarious.

18. Whenever the Surprise is hit by enemy fire the cadets go flying. It's like they're all trying to compete for the long jump. Like they randomly go sprinting around the ship, hoping to be struck by weapons fire.
19. The droid saves Ensign Tully's life. What does he say to thank it? "Get lost appliance."
20. One of the guerrilla warfare tactics that they use brings them directly behind the 4 Cynosoran ships they're fighting. Instead of firing all of their weapons, they shoot one missile and take down two ships. This is the biggest missed opportunity in the history of man. You have the element of surprise, you have the tactical advantage, you have the means, and the authority to use it. There are only two ships left! Yet they scamper away instead of finishing the job. Idiots. This one act prolongs the movie for 30 minutes.
21. The set of the Surprise is made out of milk crates.
22. The targeting system for the lasers on the Surprise involves putting your hand into a gelatinous glove.
23. This screen shot. The whole ship is overheating? Why?

24. Earth set up a colony on a distant world and left 40,000 colonists nothing to defend themselves with. For real?
25. In the future. All women in the space navy wear very short tennis skirts.

Honestly I was entertained by this movie. There isn't a shred of originality in it but that's ok. It has clear cut good guys and bad guys. The morality of the character's decisions is black and white. It doesn't get much easier.

Should you watch this movie? Sure. Is it easy to find? No. But don't beat yourself up. It's just a movie. It's supposed to be fun. Remember?

Star Command on IMDB

24 Hours to Midnight

2011-01-26T20:09:00.014-05:00

4 Stars

24 HOURS TO MIDNIGHT! This movie is hilarious, and I love it. Featuring Cynthia Rothrock as a one woman ninja death squad who mercilessly hunts the drug syndicate that killed her husband; this movie does not fail to entertain. One by one the hapless members of the syndicate fall victim to her systemic and lethal ninja prowess! It kicks ass!

One of the first things I noticed about this movie is the fact that it stars Stack Pierce as "White Powder" Chan! What a fantastic and unexplained bad guy name for black guy. In the first 30 seconds I knew this movie would be good but I never expected it was about to become one of my new all time favorites.

"White Powder" Chan

So this is the basic plot. A dude named Harry Grady is in witness protective services because he is about to testify against the mob. So, big surprise, they track him down while he is out jogging by a Jack in the Box and blast him full of holes!

Harry Grady takes one for the team

The other person who was supposed to testify is a guy named James West. Apparently they know everything about him because about three seconds after we learn his name they find him driving around. They handcuff him to the steering wheel, throw a grenade in the back seat, and then drive off. BOOM! Loophole expunged.

The infamous James West

So Harry's wife Devon (played by Cynthia Rothrock but voiced by the sultry Brinke Stevens) does what any good housewife would do. She defends her home against would be mob assailants.

When she learns of her husband's death while driving her "gold Honda" it hits her pretty hard.

My husband is dead? Oh noes!

So she skips town to Juarez Mexico in search of sensei Janaka. The good sensei gives her a briefcase chock full of facts that Harry was using to build his case against the mob.

The Chan file

Devon checks into a hotel, puts on her ninja garb, and uses the evidence as a battle plan against the mob who killed her husband! They don't stand a chance.

While all of the "Chan gang" is being murdered one by one, police duo Lester McQueen (Bernie Pock) and LeAnn Jackson are forced to look into the "carnage" by the police chief. We learn right away the moral turpitude of our esteemed McQueen when the chief gives them some recent facts.

Police Chief - "Did you know the body count in this city over the last 90 days is 69?"

McQueen - "Woo. 69. Magic number."

The only martial arts training we see Devon get is summed up in a short flashback.

Harry Grady - "Devon, you gotta be prepared, we're dealing with vicious killers. Quick reflexes may save your life. You gotta keep alert. And you gotta practice all the weapons. The tonfa, will strengthen your upper body, for punch'n. That's good! And Devon, remember all I've taught you."

From there we see some really funny stuff. Like a hilarious druggie fight scene!

One thing I noticed during the druggie fight was the fact that one of the uncredited extras looks exactly like David Duchovny!

A spitting image!

One other thing that struck me as hilarious is the fact that the mob took the time to get a "team" portrait taken. Didn't they realize that such a picture would be the perfect evidence?

The second victim shares the same name as Dennis the Menace's grumpy neighbor. Mr. Wilson! He dies in hilarious fashion by being summarily executed by the most literal ninja star in existence.

Mr. Wilson is see'n stars!

The next thing you know, ninja Devon action babe is taking out three more dudes with a bow and arrow as they walk out of the bar. Kick ass! After hunting some game she regroups and steals a helicopter.

Helicopter pilot - "I need Mr. Smith's ok and he's not here."

Devon Grady - "Well, Mr. Wesson here says it's ok!"

With her helicopter, Devon flies over a drug boat full of Chan gang bangers and drops some dynamite from up on high to ruin their day!

The rest of the movie is nothing but cheaply executed fight scenes, people getting killed in awesome ways, and hapless cops getting into squabbles of their own. It ultimately culminates in an explosive ending of epic proportions! Of course Devon gets away scot-free and lives happily ever after. The end.

Harry Grady - "Devon, you'll always be special to me." I hope so dude, she's you're wife!

There are many many things I love about this movie.

1. The plot that was probably written by a 12 year old.
2. The fact that they chose to do a cheap voice over of Cynthia Rothrock.
3. The incredibly bad but somehow charming soundtrack.
4. The way that Devon loads up with a different weapon for every kill.
5. The ridiculous death scenes.
6. The hilarious fight scenes.
7. The drug addled youths who wistfully agree with each other.
8. Bernie Pock, who sadly died of AIDS at age 33.
9. The way it ends.
10. How much fun it is to watch.
11. How the title doesn't have anything to do with the movie.

Definitely watch this movie. You have to pick up a copy, dig out the VHS player, and watch it as soon as you can. You won't regret it.

Buy 24 Hours to Midnight [VHS] on Amazon

24 Hours to Midnight on IMDB

Witchery

2011-01-20T20:48:00.013-05:00

2 Stars

Here's a movie that features witchcraft, demonic possession, demon rape, and David Hasselhoff. Throw in a few roasted people, a magic crystal, and a Sesame Street tape recorder and you've got yourself one unforgettably lame horror movie experience.

The magic crystal

Many years ago, when we measured time in fortnights, there lived a pregnant witch. People round those parts in them times didn't take to kindly to coven born Satan babies so they chased the expecting witch to her untimely demise at the hands of a 20 foot plummet onto the craggy ground. Dang. That's too bad.

After that brief intro we're whisked away to modern day 1988 where David Hasselhoff can still summon super cars with his wrist watch. In this magical future land of wheat and plenty we see ... a pregnant lady who bears a striking resemblance to ye olde witch of yore. She wakes up from a dream in which she was chased, and plummeted to her death. How original. The very same lady goes for a walk and is almost crushed by a steel support beam that happens to fall right in front of her. Coincidence?

We then see Leslie and Greg (David Hasselhoff) at the same hotel the witch died in, conducting scientific research for the greater good of all mankind, sort of. Leslie is conducting research. Hasselhoff is trying to conduct sex research by practically throwing his semi-naked form on top of Leslie the virgin at every opportunity.

Next we meet the parents of Jane Brooks (the pregnant lady) looking at a picture of the same dilapidated island hotel that Hasselhoff and Leslie "THE VIRGIN" are at. It would seem that they picked the wrong time to buy a broken down, old island hotel. So they call a friends friend to give them a renovation estimate. They all take a hired boat to the island and begin to have a look around.

CAST INTRODOCUTION !!!

- Greg (David Hasselhoff) - Horny photographer, Zodiac Captain.
- Jane (Linda Blair) - Preggo lady, the main character.
- Leslie - The virgin, likes books about witches.
- Rose - The mean, likes to generally be a condescending bitch.
- Freddie - The scrawny, his body has reacted poorly to a lifetime of dealing with Rose's bullshit.
- Linda - The harlot, likes to adjust claims when she isn't adjusting other things.
- Jerry - The realtor's son, likes to sleep with harlots.
- Tommy - The bad ass, likes to play with his Sesame Street tape recorder.

It takes the Brooks family about 9 seconds to figure out that they aren't alone on the island. Way to leave out the hotplate douche! Anyway, as soon as they start poking around the place a mysterious woman in black eviscerates the boatman, leaving the only way off of the island (UNLESS YOU COUNT THE OTHER BOAT) adrift. When they attempt to leave they find themselves stranded. Thinking the coast is clear, Hasselhoff comes out of hiding and bumps into the whole gang as they walk back into the hotel. Oops. They trade introductions and soon after they start dying one by one.

This is one of those rare movies you will see that actually kills of the shittiest character first. Rose, the mean, finds it hard to speak when the heat is turned up. She died because she was a cold hearted, quick tempered, money grubbing bastard. Otherwise known as avarice. The first of three deadly sins.

Next to go is Linda the harlot. For being a whore. Otherwise known as lust, the second of three deadly sins. Followed by Jerry, the realtor's son. He was part of said "lust" so he has to die too I suppose.

Oh yeah, then Leslie (THE VIRGIN) is raped by a demon. Bollocks! It's ok though, it was all in her head. Or was it?

After that it's a bit quiet. The retards finally get the idea to shoot off a flare to the shore, which can't be more than a mile away. Of course someone sees it and they go to the police who swear up and down that there is no way for them to get to the island to help. What about a damn helicopter ya dumb bastards? Oh wait, never mind, they figured it out. Jeez! Took you long enough.

Once the house prevents them from jumping up and down in front of the rescue helicopter; Freddie pops a vein big-time and shoots blood all over Hasselhoff's face, dying in the process. Awesome! Finally enough people have died and they can try to leave the island on Hasselhoff's little zodiac.

Oh wait, we forgot Tommy!

Then, the ending. Now normally a stupid ending doesn't really bother me. But this one is oppressively bad. So Jane is possessed by a demon, no biggie. Until she starts arbitrarily killing off the rest of the survivors with her supernatural dead witch preggo powers. She takes out Hasselhoff with a candelabra. And, just as she's choking the life out of poor little Tommy, and victory is all but assured, Hasselhoff drags his mostly dead carcass to the hallway, where he yells at Jane! That yell, was apparently enough to scare Tommy into dropping his Sesame Street tape recorder. As if being choked to death by a demon witch wasn't? Anyway, the cheap toy starts playing as soon as it hits the ground. It plays Tommy's OCD "I love you Jane" message over and over until Jane can't take it anymore and throws herself out the window. The end. Almost.

I assembled these stills for you, so you can get an idea of how the ending plays out.

1. Hasselhoff is "killed" by the candlestick thingy.

2. Hasselhoff drags his "dead" ass to the hallway.

3. Hasselhoff sees that Tommy is being choked to death by Jane the possessed.

4. Hasselhoff shouts!

5. Tommy's tape deck falls, plays "I love you Jane" in a loop.

6. Jane can't take the inner struggle against evil.

7. Jane throws herself out the window like the witch of yore.

Later on we see Leslie (NO LONGER A VIRGIN) at the hospital recovering. Then the nurse casually says that her baby will be all right.

My baby?

The end, for reals.

This movie is pretty stupid, but it does contain a scene showing off the consumption of a roasted baby, so it's not all bad. I say give it a watch if you're a Hasselhoff fan. His antics are pretty funny.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. The 3rd and final deadly sin is ire. Which is lame because the long dead witch displayed ire at the hotel so the trinity was completed. The unborn child of Jane and the virgin loins of Leslie combine to create a massive convergence of supernatural energy which ultimately culminated in the destruction of more money than I care to think of.

Buy Witchery (DVD) on Amazon

Witchery on IMDB

Witchery on Netflix

The Greenstone

2011-01-12T21:27:00.009-05:00

1 Star

"Its presence is felt when babies cry, when old people die, and very often at birthdays. It is our only link with immortality and we know it ... as enchantment."

The movie I'm about to tell you about could perhaps be to blame for my obsession with bad movies. The spawn of everything. The beginning. The Greenstone.

I first saw this movie at the ripe old age of six. Soon after my family purchased our first VCR my dad went to the local Curtis Mathes and rented this "family" film for my brother and I. Of course we thought it was lame, even at the time. I specifically remember bitching to my dad that the Greenstone itself is WHITE!!! COME ON MAN!

the "green" stone

I may have been six, but this seemed like an enormous amount of bullshit. What makes this particularly huge oversight exponentially more egregious is the fact that there also is white stone! How the fuck do you tell them apart? You'd better hope that you never drop them, or make the mistake of putting both in the same place at the same time, because you'd pretty much be fucked. But enough of that already, on to the story.

In the beginning we see a man named Sean whom I will refer to henceforth as "old ass Sean." Old ass Sean rides up on a horse to a house in the lonely mountainous countryside. He ponders his uproarious and jubilant boyhood memories of the Greenstone; which have clearly brought him back here. From there it's all flashback until the very end.

We see Sean as a boy swinging in his tree swing. He's just sitting there minding his own business when suddenly an extremely bright reflection shines from the grassy hillside. So of course he investigates, and finds ... THE GREENSTONE!

Once in possession of the stone he spies the Lady in White. An enchanting figure robed entirely in white, as you might suspect. For some reason he doesn't go after her or do anything for days. He just sits around thinking about it. Then, when he sees the Lady in White again he chases after her. But since Sean sucks he soon falls down on the ground in failure.

Whilst lumbering around like an idiot Sean finds two curious souls called Sigmund and Sigfried. These two dolts are actually separate halves of the brother of ... Whistle. Whistle is a bearded weirdo who stole the Greenstone some time in the past. He chides Sean for knowing jack shit about his fantasy land. Then he kindly informs him about where the Greenstone came from.

"In the days of old when the land was barren and there were no leaves or trees or streams of any kind; there lived in a land to the North the mistress of Greenhue. She was a woman of great and magical powers, and she saw that something was wrong. So she called all her finest stone masons together, commissioned from them, five magical stones.

1. A blue stone - for the clear lakes
2. A black stone - for the rich Earth
3. A white stone - for the snow that makes the water fall

AND THEN!

4. A red stone - that serves the sun, and plants the colors of the rainbow

Finally. Finally she commissioned the masterwork of all!
5. The greenstone - for in it lies the source and the power of all life in and around this forest. And without the greenstone we should all DIE!"

At that point Whistle introduces every other character we will see for the rest of the movie.

- Mike the Overseer (Son of the mistress of Greenhue, entrusted with the Greestone and all of it's powers) -- The old hippie.
- Mora (Daughter of the mistress of Greenhue, protector of the great pond, possessor of the other four lesser stones) -- The crazy bitch.
- Lucan (War minister and leader of the Vangaard) -- The war man.
- The Vangaard (Dudes on horses) -- Cannon fodder.

Charged with finding and returning the Greenstone, Whistle casts them out of his ditch. Within moments, Sean is lost again. He bumbles around for a bit but then is suddenly captured by Lucan! He squirms free and flees on foot but is soon found and again is captured by Mora, Lucan, and the Vangaard. While taking him to their castle they are suddenly interrupted by exploding arrows from Mike the Overseer.

Mike frees Sean and then tells him all sorts of cryptic non-sense. He then takes him home and waves goodbye forever. Old ass Sean returns to the grave of Mike the Overseer. Conveniently, all of Mike's belongings are laying on the ground next to his headstone. So old ass Sean picks them up and puts them on, with the exception of Mike's stupid hat, which he leaves for Mike. He then says "It's up to me now Mike." strikes a pose, and rides off on his horse. This is perhaps one of the most bewildering endings to any movie I can think of.

Old ass Sean

So I know what you're thinking. Who gives a shit? Right? Well, I myself wouldn't think twice about this movie if it weren't for the fact that it was probably the first stupid rented movie I ever watched with my brother. That is of course if you exclude Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend as a stupid movie. For me it's all about the nostalgia factor. The fun memories of ... The Greenstone. Not coming to a theater anywhere, at any point, for the rest of your natural life.

Here are some interesting facts about The Greenstone.

1. It's narrated by the famous Orson Welles.
2. The music was done by Don Great who went to do work in movies you've actually heard of.
3. It's only like 50 minutes long.
4. I'm one of the 18 people on Earth who've seen this movie.
5. The mistress of Greenhue commissioned the 5 stones from stone masons when everyone knows that stone masons make stone structures. Gem cutters are the ones who actually cut fucking gemstones. Which is probably why the Greenstone sucks so much.

Buy The Greenstone [VHS] on Amazon

The Greenstone on IMDB

C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud

2011-01-11T23:55:00.006-05:00

3 Stars

Rarely am I surprised by a movie but this sequel did just that. It's like Ferris Bueller's Day Off meets Night of the Creeps. It's half zombie romp and half stereotyped teen self discovery adventure. Basically it's stupid, weird, corny, and a little bit hilarious.

So, what is the story? A high school science class is going to dissect an actual cadaver from a local funeral home in class. But awkward Kevin and rebellious Steve accidentally push the stiff out into traffic!

So, according to Steve logic, they need a new dead dude for class. So they somehow break into a secured military disease control facility and happen upon ... Bud the Chud. At the time of acquisition he's as dead as you can get. Since they can't take him back to school, which I have no idea why since they just broke into a top secret military compound, they take him to Steve's parent's house! The movie then switches gears into full on campy zombie romp. They accidentally bring Bud back to life when a hair dryer falls into a tub of water that he was hastily thrown into. WHO HAS A FULL BATH TUB OF WATER JUST LYING AROUND? He springs to life and the boys somehow stash him away in the basement while they go out for burgers. BIG MISTAKE!

I think you can probably predict what happens next. Bud gets loose and begins his chomping spree. He turns dogs, aerobics dancers, barbers, mailmen, and all manner of stereotyped race and profession into flesh hungry CHUDs!

Around this time the bumbling government gets involved in their weapon prototype recovery initiative, just like in Return of the Living Dead. Except that in this movie Colonel Masters is a complete idiot who never thinks to use things like ... nukes. So he drives around town with his crony Graves looking for Bud in all the wrong places. They stop by Steve's house looking for him and they take his mother's word for it that he's gone. FOR REAL? As soon as Col. Masters leaves Steve and his friends pop out and get back in the car looking for Bud on their own. So stupid.

This movie covers a lot of the typical "zombies loose on the town" story ideas. They go to the bar and chomp on some patrons. They visit a burger place and raise all sorts of hell. They hide in a farmer's barn but have to split when the government arrives hot on their trail. They even have some fun with kids on Halloween. Finally though Bud brings the whole troupe to the Halloween dance at the high school. A "buffet." After a few dance numbers and antics Steve, Kevin, and Katie lure the Chuds off using a very effective tactic. Once they're all in once spot they can finally bring about the end of the Chuds!

This is a pretty funny movie actually. I found myself laughing at all sorts of retarded non-sense.

All in all this movie is very stupid. Which is why it has gotten such a bad rap over the years. Personally I found it almost charming. It has just the right amount of non-sense to keep you laughing and interested for all 84 minutes. I say give it a go, especially if you like campy zombie movies. This movie is a perfect example of that genre. Just listen to these quotes.

"When you're dead you're skanky. It goes with the territory."

"The Chudified brain however lurches into a second life. An uncontrolled life."

"Excuse me sir, they don't have wood sheds anymore."

How can you say no to that? YOU CAN'T!

Buy C.H.U.D. II Bud the Chud [VHS] on Amazon

C.H.U.D. II Bud the Chud on IMDB

Aerobicide | a.k.a -- Killer Workout

2011-01-06T22:32:00.010-05:00

3.5 Stars

Every once in a while you watch a movie that reminds you why you watch bad movies in the first place. This is one of those movies. With the perfect blend of leotard hip thrusting and safety pin stab wound death sequences Aerobicide is one experience you're likely to never forget.

I'll set it up for you. Rhonda has a workout place called ... Rhonda's Workout. People start dying there in bunches. Dim witted detective Morgan is on the case! After stumbling blindly from one victim to the next he finally pieces together who the killer is. But will he be able to stop their master plan? Nah.

You know, I think the writer of Death Spa must've ripped this movie off. Think about it. Death Spa came out a year later in 1988 with a very similar premise. A health club killer. Don't believe me? What about this still? Look at what is spray painted on the window!

Where Death Spa is about possession and technology, Aerobicide is about good old fashioned mindless slaying for the sheer sport of it. So I guess we now have the luxury of choosing which 80's health spa slasher movie we'd rather see. An odd parallax if I do say so myself.

The killer in Aerobicide uses an oversize safety pin to stab their victims to death. What a great idea. I can guarantee you that is original to this movie. Before this I doubt that idea ever left the napkin storyboard stage. In Aerobicide however, the idea is fully "fleshed" out.

So this guy named Chuck Dawson (played by Ted Prior) takes it upon himself to stop the madness. Right from the word go we see what a stand up guy he is. He punches a guy senseless and ditches his first day on the job at Rhonda's Workout to have sex. He mops well and does a decent job of hiding in bushes. He doesn't see the crime in breaking and entering as long as it for a good reason. He likes to punish the innocent harshly, in the face, based entirely on incomplete situational knowledge. He also likes to wear really short 80's shorts. Everything goes pretty well for Chuck until he rams his body into a muscle car and a man with a large pointy object. Other than that though, he totally had it covered. What a guy.

So what makes this movie such a good time to watch? Everything. The mindless slaughtering of hordes of deservingly ham fisted youths is a good reason. Or you could always just watch it for the fantabulous aerobic workout dance numbers. Either way you win. I highly recommend getting together with your friends and popping this schlockfest into your "conveyance of video joy" device as soon as possible. You won't soon regret it.

Buy Aerobicide (DVD) on Amazon

Aerobicide on IMDB

C.H.U.D.

2010-12-08T20:41:00.003-05:00

2.5 Stars

Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers (C.H.U.D.) is a perfect example of how to execute a low budget horror movie. It combines excellent casting and a classic special effects style to tell the story of our underground brethren. I for one am a fan.

Now, I know this movie is a classic but I just couldn't help myself. I just had to talk about it. Why? Because I'm going to review the oft overlooked sequel! I can't wait either.

So, the first task at hand is to talk about the nostalgic awesomeness that is C.H.U.D. What the hell is C.H.U.D. about? In a nutshell it's about a bunch of mutants who feed on the living in NYC. But where did these mutants come from? They came from the toxic waste stashed away in the abandoned subway tunnels of the sprawling metropolis. The Nuclear Regulatory Commission thought it would be a good idea to start the C.H.U.D. initiative (Contamination Hazard Urban Disposal). So they schlepped gobs of 50 gallon drums underground where no one in their right mind would go. But they never planned on the C.H.U.D.s!

A very scrawny Daniel Stern plays A.J. the "reverend" shepherd, a man who helps the wayward outcasts and downtrodden. His suspicions regarding the whereabouts of his flock reach a fever pitch during the untimely visit of now Captain Bosch. When they go on a short jaunt into the inner sanctum of the city, they find a forgotten Geiger counter strewn on the floor. The counter goes off the scale and they hear the deadly voice of the C.H.U.D. In turn they use this knowledge to extort what they can from government officials. Thus beginning a cycle of espionage, white collar public trust betrayal, and a generalized uncouth attitude towards the plight our fellow man.

Claiming countless souls the C.H.U.D.s rampage towards the destruction of social order. Can anyone stop them? How do you stop that which is neither man nor beast? Oh wait, that's easy, hack it with a sword.

Ultimately culminating in the destruction of multiple lives we get a short glimpse at what it's truly like to be a soulless bastard.

My favorite guff of the movie comes at the very end. AJ uses Bosch's hand gun to take out Wilson. Wilson crashes into a man hole geyser of gaseous doom which creates a nifty plume of destruction. Then they pan back to Bosch who congratulates AJ on his marksmanship. If you look closely you will see that his hand gun is back. Are we to believe that AJ slid the freshly fired instrument of death back into a dying man's belt moments before his demise? Nope, they just fucked up.

Is C.H.U.D. worth your time? Definitely. Just don't expect a masterpiece. It's a very fun movie for what it is and I feel like it fits the pulp fiction genre perfectly. Also it's fun seeing actors that you know and love use this film as a launching point for their careers. Pick up a copy of C.H.U.D. and savor the sweet flavor for years to come.

Recently pop culture's love for C.H.U.D. was outed in a brief Robot Chicken sketch.

Buy C.H.U.D. (DVD) on Amazon

C.H.U.D. on IMDB

C.H.U.D. on Netflix

Space Chase

2010-11-10T22:22:00.007-05:00

1 Star

It's safe to say that I completely hated this movie. I took several breaks. I napped for a bit on the plane. Though for reasons unbeknownst to me I finished watching it. BIG!!! MISTAKE!!!

Watching Space Chase is like being kicked full on in your wedding tackle by boredom. This leaves you coughing, wheezing, and gasping for air. Then moments later, you line up for another sterility inducing strike to the distinguished gentlemen. After about half a dozen of these you're so stupefyingly misanthopic you probably couldn't even buy brandy. In a nutshell, that is Space Chase.

This is the part of the review where I say ... What the hell is it about? Well ... we're waiting! Ok ok ... I'll try to say something coherent. Umm it goes like this. So we find our hero Han Solo, I mean, RYAN betting on some bullshit dead even claymation boxing match.

Unfortunately for me an the other eight people who've seen this movie this is the most interesting thing that happens for first 20 minutes of the movie! So Ryan is forced to help a couple space bimbos who were separated from their father because the ship let them in. No, I'm not kidding.

So they extort Ryan into helping them get their father back from the evil Dr. Chrome. The first thing Ryan does is go to another plant and try to enlist the help of the stubborn delegates from the trade federation.

After the girls throw a temper tantrum and storm out they decide to take on Dr. Chrome by themselves. When they get there they bust out the girl's father who is keeping the secret of the Egrin (dumb ass perpetual energy source) in his noggin. Just when it looks like they're going to escape Dr. Chrome shows up and pretends he's Darth Gorbachev.

Mere minutes later they bust out again and escape by sliding down the garbage chute ... uh I mean ... shaft of pure energy.

So they escape Dr. Chrome's ship but about five seconds after they leave Ryan gets the bright idea to go back and destroy them before they can start a war. So they turn around and go right back where they just were five fucking minutes ago. Facepalm sundae. This time though Ryan insists that he go in alone, commando style, and set charges all over the ship to blow it into the next galaxy. It works of course because it's a stupid movie and Ryan makes it safely back to the ship just in time to fight an epic space battle where he finally gets to use his budget death blossom device.

So after they cripple Dr. Chorme's ability to wage war Dr. Whatshisnuts tells Ryan Chase that his father was killed Vader style by Dr. Chrome. So what does Ryan do? He turns the ship around again and goes back to Dr. Chrome's ship to take him out once and for all. FACEPALM! For those of you who are keeping track this is the 3rd trip back to the place they didn't want to go to in the first place. Of course Ryan is untouchable and he single handedly takes out Dr. Chrome and his minions.

After that it's happy happy joy joy time. Whatshisnut's daughter kisses Ryan and it's happily ever after. What a stupid ass movie.

This movie has plot holes so big no light can escape! The plot holes have an event horizon. All of the panda bears on Earth couldn't hold back the powerful stupidity this movie displays. DID I MENTION THAT IT BLATANTLY RIPS OFF STAR WARS!?!

Never watch this movie!

Space Chase on IMDB

Buy Space Chase from CineStrike

Alien Intruder

2010-10-07T22:00:00.010-04:00

3 Stars

This movie is fun to watch. I had a great time watching Billy Dee act like a drunken tard and generally get in his own way. The story is unique and, actually, is not an outright crime against humanity. Which, considering the movies I've been watching recently, is a huge step up.

So, what he hell is it about? YES! A QUESTION I CAN ANSWER! It's about a bunch of hand picked convicts who accompany Billy Dee Williams into "G" sector to recover a derelict spaceship. Along the way they realize that their "need to know" mission is really about Billy Dee's space lust for a very mysterious vixen name Ariel. The troubling thing about Ariel is her origin. What the hell is she? Where did she come from? Why is she seducing men like an Odyssean siren? How can she appear in the magical land of silicon diodes and also in flesh and blood? Why, it's enough to FRY YOUR CORTEX!

Where does this movie succeed? It's a damn good time. People get shot, burned, tricked, and seduced to death! What makes it more fun is that it all takes place in what is supposed to be a spaceship but is actually just an empty warehouse. I'm sorry, in the distant future of 2022, we won't be using concrete and corrugated metal sheeting to build ships. It's just not in the cards. Before I go any further I have to mention something that really threw my mind for a loop. In this movie, all over the damn floor, are boxed in fluorescent tube lights. In the hallways of the ship they are placed about every 4-6 feet. So if you walk down the hall you constantly have to step up onto boxed in lights just to walk straight ahead. IT SO STUPID IT'S GREAT!

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the good stuff. This movie has some great ad lib dialog. "Quit yer bitch'n, get in yer pod." Might be one of the best lines I've heard all year.

I'm also quite partial to "DANCE ON THIS!" as a response to the combat challenge "You wanna dance Borman? Let's dance!"

For my money though I don't know if it gets much better than Billy Dee Williams threatening to "Fry your cortex." Genius.

One of the other great lines in the movie is something I completely forgot about until I looked at my notes. "Hey screw you Mancuzo. Oh you've got all the answers don't you? You win all my money in poker. And now, you shit on my fantasy! Hey you're slime!" Simply brilliant.

There are several other things about this movie that were very amusing. There was quite a bit of interstellar shotgun fire and flamethrower fire. I love the fact that they were too cheap to build a space set so they sent the them into "G" sector where there aren't any stars.

I also love the fact that people smoke like fiends and drink Pabst Blue Ribbon 24x7 on board, even while on duty. But, mainly I just really enjoyed the fact that the computer said "Goodbye" before blowing up the ship. Polite until the very end, I love it.

So what didn't they get right? The SETS! They're just so damn cheesy. Although, in their defense, it looked like they had about $16.50 to make this movie with. If you watch closely you'll see all sorts of things that were just thrown against a wall or tossed on the floor to make it look like a spaceship instead of a hallway in an industrial complex. Also I thought a few of the "pleasure pod" fantasies were a bit tame. It's as though these typified space hooligans don't even know how to have a good time inside their own minds. Which, upon deeper reflection, is probably correct. Wait, what's this? Did I forget to mention the "pleasure pods?" Ok, so, it goes like this. In order to convince the convicts into coming on this mission instead of rotting away for eternity in their jail cells they had to sweeten the pot. So, they promised them that at 5 PM every Friday their weekends would officially begin. While off duty for the weekend they would each be allowed to experience a very personal encounter with the digital damsel of their dreams. All by way of the "pleasure pods" which is a term I made up to describe the pseudo-cryofreeze chambers in which they connect themselves to the virtual reality interface. "Quit yer bitch'n, get in yer pod." My displeasure stems from the poor choices made by the convicts. They could go anywhere and do anything with these virtual dames yet they chose to be cowboys, greasers, beach bums, and crime lords. Why not be ... THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD? Anything short of that is just a lack of trying in my opinion.

So yeah, what else? Oh, I know! How about the logic in this idea? A bunch of surreptitiously reconnoitered prisoners go missing in deep space. What do you think the government's next action would be? WE MUST SEND A SEARCH PARTY AND MORE SHIPS TO FIND THEM!!! What? Why? They were just going to die anyway, who gives a flip about these felons? When this logic is presented as a defensible argument against Billy Dee's master plan my brain about popped. That makes no damn sense y'all.

So what am I really trying to say? I enjoyed this movie quite a bit. It's PM Entertainment at it's finest. I whole heartedly endorse watching this movie to kill 90 minutes any day. Check out these great scenes from Alien Intruder!

Billy Dee meets with an unfortunate end.

Billy Dee adds insult to DJ's injury.

Buy Alien Intruder (DVD) on Amazon

Alien Intruder on IMDB

Also available to rent on Amazon Video-on-Demand for $2.99

Telepresence

2010-10-02T20:30:00.003-04:00

Gobs of stupid

In the name of all that is holy, please make the hurting stop! There are very few movies that I truly, thoroughly, hate; this is one of them. It's like Avatar's younger sister and Starship Trooper's older brother had sex in the back of a Buick Rivera. It's one of the few movies that lives up to it's tagline of "You're not going to like who you become out here." More like "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU is this movie still on?" Jesus Christ himself will surely banish everyone in this movie to no less than two tours of duty in eternal damnationland for this vile contrivance. Did you know it took me six tries to finish this shitty shatbox? SIX! IT'S JUST SO ... So ... so ... aldfjlakdjfljjfskloiwailfkjds!!!!! GAA!!!!!!!

So what in God's name is it about? Truth be told? Who gives a damn? It's just a bunch of topiary trees and ham hocks banging around in space on an ASSteroid. Actually, if you must know, it's about a war with the "bugs." Sound familiar? Like, uh, I don't know ... STARSHIP TROOPERS!?! I should've hadoukened this butt-hemoth out of my life forever right then and there but I did the only thing I could do. I turned it off and didn't watch another damn minute for two weeks. When I returned for another helping of pain and depravity I had girded my mind against the onslaught of shittitude I was about to endure.

It goes like this ...

"The human race has spread far into the galaxy, with hundreds of settled planets and outposts expanding from the remote stardust swirls of Earth into the dense galactic center where an alien empire is encountered." FACK! "The hive dwelling attackers have mounted an all out war with Earth's settlements. To withstand the alien assault, Earth defenders are forced to project their consciousness into remote fighting robots." WHY? "Connecting the soldiers primeval nervous functions to computers is extremely dangerous, but with the addition of an intimate intermediary, called a "controller", the soldiers are able to maintain their fragile connection with reality. Thus, the remote robots are simultaneously controlled by the projected consciousness of two people. They call this experience ... TELEPRESENCE." Please shoot my face.

Rather than actually tell you the story I'll tell you my thoughts and the things that STOOD OUT while watching this movie.

1. It begins with a horrible CG fight scene that's completely incomprehensible. All I know is that somehow dying in the "matrix" killed the huge wrestler dude. This was partly because while fighting one of the main desk dudes exclaimed "There's interference all over the map!"

2. One of the cyberdudes looks like Detroit Red Wings forward Kris Draper.

3. About 7 minutes into the movie there is a full minute of dead silence. WHY!?! IT'S A MOVIE!

4. Quote from the doctor. "He experienced an enormous influx of unknown feedback, possibly causing brain damage." You mean like this movie?
5. The little matrix hook up is as big as a wall outlet and is called a cyber plate. Geez, that thing is quite gaudy. That would scare people away from going to the beach for sure.
6. One of the techs at the main station gives us this salacious bit of info about the bugs. "They operate on some kind of low res organic level. They send a bunch of info back and forth but it's a bitch to crack."
7. Combat training?

8. Just like in Demolition Man the people of the future don't have actual sex anymore. They just get in the matrix and then mind bone each other.

9. *RAGE* One of the stupidest movie plots ever! The "bugs" send genetic info over the air, into people's bodies which cause cells to become excited and produce a bug in that person's body? This idea is dumb on MANY levels. /*RAGE*
10. One of the crazy dudes gets pretty pissed off when he finds out that there's a bug growing inside him. "I have a rotting bug engineered growth mutating my own cells and all I can do is wait around." He has to wait because the doctor told him that he'd have to wait two days before she could remove the "growth."
11. Wait a freak'n robot flies through space and takes out ship?
'
12. So crazy dude gains Borg knowledge from his "growth" about where the hive lives. So he goes way off mission and takes on the whole hive himself, destroying their ability to wage war. When he bravely gives his life and the life of his operator in the fight this is all that was said over their dead bodies.
"They did it!"
"But at what price?"
What price? Who freak'n cares!?! Two people just won you an intergalactic war! What price?

In conclusion is this really a movie? I guess. It's more like torture. If you can ever find a physical copy you are one lucky SOB. That said, it'd be better to own it and never EVER watch it, under penalty of law.

Telepresence on IMDB

Warrior of Death

2010-08-19T15:31:00.012-04:00

4.5 Stars

It is my pleasure to present to you another gleaming Turkish gem, Warrior of Death. Also known as Ölüm savasçisi, which is its original title. It is usually translated to Death Warrior but it literally reads Warrior of Death. So I think I'm more correct in calling it that in English. But you didn't come here to read about trivial non-sense like that!

So what the hell is this movie? Good question. I have no idea. It's about some unstoppable ninjas who meet an immovable object, the Warrior of Death. That is essentially the only real story to this movie. The rest is just a mishmash of stolen music and sound effects from John Carpenter's The Thing. No I'm not kidding. Although I guess I should mention a few of the more interesting things happen. One of these unstoppable ninjas does learn how to Yoda rocks around with his mind. And then there is the killer plant scene that is never really explained. When it comes to Warrior of Death though, no explanation is required. It's fast paced, ridiculous, and simply a complete joy to experience. It's one of those movies where you say WHAT? in disbelief about 26 times. That only adds to the charm though since it legitimately doesn't make any sense; you just go with it.

The only thing I learned from watching this movie is how to dispatch 48 enemies in 90 seconds! Way to go kid!

An official English dub or subtitles were never released for this movie. Which probably explains why you've never heard of it before. I was able to find subtitles created by a fan which are undeniably hilarious in their simplicity. I honestly can't wait to show this movie to more people because it's insane!

If you want to enjoy this movie too I recommend buying it from the link provided below and syncing it up with THIS subtitle file.

If I haven't convinced you yet that this is something you definitely should see then check out these clips!

A crazy fight scene.

If you blink you'll miss this ninja scene.

Zombie attack!

Reptile escort service.

The end. Watch only if you never intend to watch this in its entirety.

Buy Warrior of Death (DVD) on TimesForgottenDVD.com (Turkish language only, no English subs or dub)

Warrior of Death on IMDB

Bloodbeat

2010-08-05T22:25:00.009-04:00

TOTAL BRAIN LOCK

Great burgeoning back bacon! This movie is strikingly bad. It's like watching a movie that never made it past the napkin doodle story board stage. I honestly feel like someone owes me money for being subjected to that suckfest. People who take experimental drugs get paid, why not me? Am I not risking more by wagering that each one of these movies won't chip silently away at my sanity? I demand recompense!

The story goes like this. Guy brings girlfriend home for the holidays. Girlfriend channels the spirit of a long dead samurai warrior. Some people die. The girlfriend is defeated by mystical powers. The end. Sounds like it might be worth a watch right? HELLLLL NOOOOOOOOO!!! You are wrong my friend. Flat wrong, dead wrong, you couldn't be more wrong. This is simply one of the worst movies I've ever seen. It's soooOOOOooOoOOOOOoo poorly executed. It's the equivalent of a politician breaking ground on a construction site and then immediately declaring it finished. FINISHED MY ASS!

I completely hate this movie. It reminds me of all of the B movie qualities I can't stand. It's slow, pointless, gutless, not finished, not creative, sorrowfully executed, poorly conceived, unrealized, mind numbingly stupid, and generally a huge waste of time. As if that wasn't enough to cast this movie into afterthought oblivion, they somehow managed to ruin Carl Orff's O Fortuna! How the fuck did they manage that? That's like scooping Häagen-Dazs into a bowl and somehow managing to make it taste like thousand year old eggs! It's IMFUCKINGPOSSIBLE and UNBEFUCKINGLIEVABLE, yet accomplished! I'm slack jawed, stupefied, flabbergasted, and befuddled. Of the 171,476 words currently in use in the English language there isn't one that accurately expresses how I feel. (insert Hulk smash rage here)

Damn, am I still talking about this slimy piece of worm-ridden filth? What else is there to say? As a fellow film reviewer said once; I'd rather eat a glass shard sandwich than watch THAT movie again. I now know what he meant.

NEVER EVER EVER watch this crusty butt flange. If you value your precious sanity and sweet freedoms you'll heed my warning.

The end. Kill me now.

Buy BLOODBEAT [VHS] on Amazon

Bloodbeat on IMDB

Sword of the Valiant: The Legend of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight

2010-08-05T08:50:00.009-04:00

1 Star

This movie is a freak'n tardfest of epic proportions. It stars Kilometers O'Keeffe as Sir Gawain. A squire turned knight instantly, the second he agrees to Sean Connery's foolhardy challenge. The challenge is this. Connery threw an axe into a table and said any man who draws the axe must chop off his head while he lay still. However, if he has yet the strength after his head is removed then he will return the favor. At that point everyone with a brain said Awww hell naw! But not Gawain. He pranced his squire ass out in front of the court and accepted the charge. (facepalm)

From there it gets dumb. He neatly slices off Connery's green leafy crowned head onto the floor. The bodiless Connery simply calls for his arms and legs to come and get him and put his head back on. OF COURSE! Why didn't I think of that? He then acts like he's going to chop off Gawain's head, as he should but he deliberately misses. He says Gawain is just a kid and so he gives him 1 year to grow up a bit and answer his riddle. Then he vanishes in a blaze of green smoke leaving Gawain to ponder his new quest.

So, just like you or I Gawain bolts out the door looking for answers to the cryptic riddle that can save his life. Although unlike us he is riding in style, wearing the king's ceremonial armor on his very own steed. Accompanied by his own squire he now has all of the tools necessary to be a mounted douche-bag. This becomes evident when he says "What's for dinner?" and his squire says "I don't know, we didn't bring any food." Wait a minute! You're on a 1 year quest but you didn't think to bring any food? You sir, are a retard.

Unfortunately, I didn't turn the movie off right there. Instead I trudged on, like a disinterested kid in a clothing store. I found myself yelling frequently at the screen. Telling Gawain that he was stupid for eating magical food and for letting a murderous city guard live. I really started yelling when he fell in love with a girl that he knew for 20 minutes. DUDE SERIOUSLY, YOU JUST MET HER! Then he somehow gets separated from her and acts like his life is meaningless without her. Remember the part where you were a young brave knight who wasn't afraid of anything? What the hell happened? It's then that he finds out that he's playing an elaborate game setup by Sean Connery. So he decides to play on and go back to get his woman.

For some reason when he goes back to the magical city she lives in it's super easy to get her out now. The first thing he does though is leave her all alone to go collect firewood so guess what happens. She gets kidnapped! What a tard. Then we finally meet most of the cast. We see Peter Cushing, Ron Lacey, and even John Rhys Davies! It's too bad not one of them can do anything but watch this suckfest go down in flames. I'm not kidding when I say that I've never seen a movie with an all-star cast that sucks as much as this movie does. A lot of it has to do with the silly effects and lackluster music that completely ruin any world immersion that is achieved by the actors. The other part is just that the story is complete bullshit. What is Connery's motivation? Who the fuck knows? Why is a squire suddenly good at everything? How does six months pass on the way to one city? I have no clue how to answer any of these questions. Then there are more serious questions. Namely ...

1. Where did Connery get his powers and what is their source?
2. What are the extent of Connery's powers?
3. How can John Rhys Davies be Ron Lacey's dad when in real life Davies is 9 years younger than Lacey?
4. What is Peter Cushing's role exactly?
5. If Lionesse is a magical city that no outsider has ever found why is there duty bound guard protecting it? Gawain would never have found it if the guard hadn't lead him back to it. That makes NO DAMN SENSE!
6. Where did Linet get the magical cloaking ring and what is it's significance?
7. What is Connery's relationship with the witch?
8. Why is Gawain's kingdom full of apathetic wimps?
9. How did Linet escape certain doom in a small room full of fire?
10. How did Linet make a magical item that would prevent Gawain from being harmed?
11. How did Gawain's squire know when and where to meet him when he went out to challenge Connery?
12. Why did Connery's armor have a gaping hole in the chest?
13. Why does stabbing Connery kill him when cutting off his head only makes him laugh?
14. What was the purpose of Connery's riddle or his game?
15. Why do unicorn's disappear when you hunt them?
16. How did the sage know EVERYTHING?
17. How can anyone trapped between a drawbridge and a portcullis escape?
18. Why does Gawain kill the citizens of Lionesse with no regard for life?
19. How did Gawain recruit the help of a blue collar labor force?
20. What happened between the two warring nations?
21. What did Gawain do after Linet left him forever?
22. Why did no one ever teach Ron Lacey how to fight?
23. How was the guard of Lionesse raised from the dead?
24. Why was everyone in Lionesse frozen in time when Gawain returned?
25. What was Linet's relationship with Sir Bertilak?
26. Why does a rainbow appear when the black knight is summoned?
27. Why is the witch even in the movie if she doesn't do anything?
28. How does Ron Lacey have the authority to lead a war party if he can't even stand up to his father's decisions?
29. Why is there a convenient trap door in the dungeon?
30. How did the friar end up in the dungeon anyway and how does he know how to escape?

These are just the questions I came up with off the top of my head. Any movie that leaves that many major plot points unanswered is bullshit. I don't care what the positives are. The experience is ruined if I have to constantly stop and ask questions about what is happening and why. I don't need all the answers. But I would like to have things like character relationships revealed.

A completely unrelated note is that I believe Gawain was the inspiration for Prince Valiant in the movie Spaceballs.

Should you watch this movie? Hell no! It's exceedingly stupid. Just so you never have to here is how it ends. Gawain cheats death and then slices Connery across the chest. Connery turns into dust and then Linet turns into a bird and flies away. The fucking end.

Come to me, my body.

Sean Connery blows.

You with the fancy boots.

Buy Sword of the Valiant (DVD) on Amazon

Sword of the Valiant on IMDB

Sword of the Valiant on Netflix

Spookies

2010-08-04T08:53:00.008-04:00

2.5 Stars

This obscure 80's horror movie has some of the strangest and most unexpected death scenes this side of the river Styx. If you combine that with all of the shenanigans of a puppet wielding immature butt head you have yourself a pretty fun movie to watch.

Felix Ward plays Kreon, some ancient low budget F. Murray Abraham rip off dude. His house is full of haunted horrors and like any crazy un-dead madman he's in it for the sporting glee of shooting fish in a barrel. This movie tries to fill out all of the stereotypes, it even features kids playing with an Ouija board. From there it leads us Scooby Doo style from room to "spooky" room.

I honestly don't know if I like this movie. It's REALLY immature but sort of charming. I just don't know if I can put my stamp of approval on any movie that features a farting zombie horde scene. Basically this is the movie every 12 year old dude would make. That said there is an undeniable charm to the care given to the stop motion effects, the creatures, and to the blatant whimsy in the dialog. I'm conflicted.

The part of me that likes retarded non-sense loved it. The part of me that likes to actually pick things apart thought it was ... well ... retarded. I guess it's sort of like biting into something and immediately liking it. Then just when you're about to say how much you like it the aftertaste kicks in and you're not sure anymore.

One strange fact about the cast of this movie is that there is some sort of cosmic spillage into the cast of Street Trash. It's inexplicable and unexplainable. Clearly, B movie rejects get around. This movie literally has NOBODY in it that you've ever heard of before. Which is kind of great. It's really hard to do too. An entire movie full of actors who never went on to do anything? That is the sort of thing that is usually reserved for school projects, not feature length films.

What did I learn from watching Spookies?

1. The title blows.
2. At all times you must "Watch the God Damn upholstery!"
3. Being chased by zombies is scarier when someone plays Sega Genesis music in the background.
4. When questioning someone's ability to talk to the dead don't use this argument. "The dead? But .. they're dead."
5. If at first you don't succeed, hit it with a chair.
6. When you want to leave a room all you have to do is dive right through the fucking door!
7. The grim reaper is highly volatile and will explode into a ball of fire if he falls more than 10 feet.
8. Asian people can secretly be giant meat spiders.
9. Sometimes zombies disguise themselves as frat boys with strategically placed station wagons.
10. Douche-bags never survive haunted houses.

Should you watch this movie? Sure, why the hell not. Just don't expect your educated friends to respect you're decision to do so. The reason I'd recommend watching this movie is for the excellent zombie evasion scene at the end of the movie. It's actually very well done.

Watch the God damn roads.

Sega Genesis chase scene

Wee Gee board? That sounds stupid.

Farting zombies!

WTF death scene.

That's one hot death scene.

Buy Spookies [VHS] on Amazon

Spookies on IMDB

Spookies on Wikipedia

Maniac Cop

2010-07-29T10:28:00.010-04:00

3.5 Stars

This movie is freak'n good. I had a lot of fun watching it and I love what they did with the story idea. I came in expecting a lot and this movie definitely delivers. In fact the first thing I did was go online and look for the sequel!

I won't take a lot of time talking about this movie because you really need to see it for yourself. I will however give you a brief overview and some of my thoughts about it.

Robert Z'Dar plays Matt Cordell, a cop whose raw deal has left him scarred and lusting for vengeance. Bruce Campbell plays Jack Forrest, a cop who has to escape the elaborate framing for these disastrous crimes. Ready, set, action!

The plot is simple yet effective. Campbell's wife gets offed by the killer. It's done in such a way that all fingers point back at ol' Brucey. This connects Bruce to all of the other violent murders and soon he's the prime suspect. That is, until detective McCrae uses his Columbo logic and deduces that the killer must be the supposedly dead officer Cordell. As soon as he puts the pieces together, Cordell strikes. Who will survive? Who will believe them? Watch it and find out!

Normally I hate taglines. They're usually cheesy and inappropriate. This one however is perfect. "You have the right to remain silent. Forever." What's funny is that during a more recent interview with Z'Dar he came out and said that police and firefighters seek him out and thank him for portraying a role that they only wish they could fulfill themselves. Which is hilarious if you think about it. What's more surprising than that is how just how much of an eloquent gentleman Z'Dar is in real life. Here is a guy who doesn't have one line of dialog in the whole movie yet if you catch him off camera you'd think you were talking to a Harvard professor. Your brain can't believe it.

So, I'm not really going to sell you much more on this. It has BRUCE CAMPBELL in a great role. It has the jungle jawed Z'Dar as a maniac killer! It's worth every minute of your time. If you love movies you'll love this.

*** Update ***
8/3/10

Maniac Cop 2 is worth your time. Definitely check that one out too. I'll let you know when I watch the third one if you should bother with it.

All in all it's a very good sequel in that it advances the story exactly where it left off. It has a great cast and does everything it can to hold your attention. Where it fails is that it leans too heavily on the first movie without really standing on it's own. Also the idea doesn't feel as fresh as it did the first time. Cordell standing around and making friends also makes no damn sense whatsoever.

The excellent trailer.

Buy Maniac Cop (DVD) on Amazon

Maniac Cop on IMDB

Maniac Cop on Netflix

Cutting Class

2010-07-24T22:45:00.005-04:00

2 Stars

25 year old Brad Pitt plays a troubled high school youth in ... DUN DUN DUN ... CUTTING CLASS!

This movie is amazing simply because it exists. It's like Fatal Games meets a watered down version of Heathers. It's also another one of those Scooby Doo plot movies. At the end they pull the mask off of the killer and suddenly I was expecting him to say. "I'd have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for that meddling Pitt and his girlfriend." But alas. Instead the killer puts Brad Pitt's head in a vise and says "We always were tight friends."

This movie is all about the cast in my opinion. Of course there's Brad Pitt as Dwight but there is also Roddy McDowall as the principal. Roddy McDowall has always reminded me of a poor man's Dr. Smith from the 60's Lost in Space. Also appearing in this film is 80's golden boy Martin Mull whom you might remember as Colonel Mustard from Clue. Then there's Neil Stanoff who played the little boy on a tricycle with a fake gun. In one scene he rides his bike unceremoniously to the front door of our lovely lady victim. When she opens the front door he brings his ride to a halt and shoots her with his fake Magnum revolver. "BANG!" That would be his first and last line in movie history. I wonder how the conversation to discontinue acting went later that evening. Did it consist of flippant decisions made at a Dairy Queen amidst other kids whom were celebrating their tee ball game victory? Or was it more simple than that? We'll never know I suspect.

So I'm sure you're dying to know. What's this movie about? Well good person who reads this blog you're about to have your mind shattered by THE MEAT CLEAVER OF FORESIGHT! It goes like this. A rich girl's dad goes on a hunting trip by himself leaving her home alone for a week. As soon as he gets out into the wild he is shot in the chest with an arrow by the killer. DAG! He's probably dead. Then we're introduced to Brad PItt's character; a reckless young man driving a Ford Mustang. We establish his attitude problem and senioritis by showing him in class having difficulties answering rudimentary science questions that he should've learned in 6th grade. The next few scenes are spent showing us just how weird Donovan the crazy kid is and how much Pitt doesn't like him encroaching on his woman.

Shortly after that we have our first teen slasher movie victim; it's about damn time! In this case it's the art teacher who finds out first hand that 500 degrees in a kiln is hot enough to turn your epidermis into meat slag. He must've been pretty unpopular though since no-one seems to notice that he's become a pile of ashes. The next part worth talking about happens when Pitt gets drunk and pays his girlfriend a visit. He makes her come with them to the school where they use their ill gotten office key to sneak a peek at a fellow classmate's personal file. LOL. Paper files! Of course being the mean spirited kids that they are they use this knowledge of Donovan to their advantage and the next day at school everyone knows that he was given electric shock therapy when at the mental institution.

What happens next is the dumbest thing they could've possibly done. They somehow put the kids out in the middle of nowhere on a class science field trip. While being both pointless and noneducational, the scene also seems cheap when we discover that the only reason for its existence is to show us that Mr. Carson (the guy who was shot with the arrow) is still alive by having the teacher step on his chest! The teacher of course doesn't notice that he stepped directly on a prostrate man nor does he acknowledge his cries for assistance. Instead he says it's a bullfrog mating call and goes on about his business. Nothing gets past this guy.

In the next scene we learn first hand that the way to impress basketball talent scouts is not to punch opposing players in the face arch rivals style. In fact, this sort of behavior doesn't help anybody. We also learn that if you're going to kill someone in public the best time to do it is when your team just wins a game that it has no business winning. At that point you can pretty much get away with anything it seems. I'll have to remember that the next time I'm sitting under the bleachers and I'm suddenly struck with the sinister urge.

At that point they change subjects entirely and show Pitt in the garage together with Donovan talking about how they used to be best friends. WTF? Why are they all buddy buddy suddenly? And why exactly do they hate each other so much in the first place? Then just as you're pondering those topics something great happens. The vice principal gets Xeroxed to death! Hell yeah. This of course gets the attention of the parents who come down for a pow wow with the principal. Nothing like a little riot to end your day I always say. The murder gets pinned on Donovan because he's a head case, so of course he flees into the highlands. In this case the highlands happen to be Paula Carson's bedroom. Once there he's able to win her over with his creepy antics and even spend the night! The next day he convinces her that Dwight (Brad PItt) is the killer and that the only reason he's stopping him is for her. Oh how sweet.

Once they show up at school all hell breaks loose. The janitor tries to take out Donovan because he thinks he is the killer. This ruckus causes Paula and Donovan to become separated. Paula finds the bodies of her dead friends and then randomly runs into the math teacher? Then the movie takes a slight turn towards saw. They run from room to room as someone operating the PA system knows exactly where to find them. Then they end up in a room where there are two doors. A math problem is on the chalk board. Pick the right door and live. Pick the wrong door and die. I'll let you guess which one happens. After that we find out that, GASP, Donovan is the killer and that he he hunting Paula and Dwight down until the bitter end.

The ending is mildly entertaining but lacks the real payoff you've been anticipating for the entire movie. Oh, and Paula's father somehow manages to find his way back home, ALIVE. This dude spent an entire week bleeding to death, with no food, water, or shelter to speak of, and lived. Words cannot describe how stupid that is. Oh well, it's their movie.

Should you watch this movie? If you really like Brad PItt I'd say yes. Otherwise you can skip this pseudo dark comedy.

What did I learn from watching Cutting Class?

1. You can flip off your gym teacher, curse in their face, and still be expected to finish detention.
2. If you're embarrassed about your body, don't pose in front of an art class.
3. If you're going to try to kill someone with an arrow don't use the ones blunt tipped ones from school.
4. American flags are deadly.
5. If you think the crazy kid you grew up with is capable of killing people, you're probably right.
6. If you nearly run over someone's kid all you have to say is "Same time tomorrow?" and suddenly all is forgiven.
7. It's possible to step on someone and not know it.
8. Putting dirt on you makes you smell like a true outdoors-man.
9. It is possible to be both brilliant and an idiot at the same time.
10. If you want a book worm to follow you, steal their homework.

Sorry doesn't get the skid marks off.

America, the deadly.

Sounds like mother nature has the cramps.

Axe me a question.

Buy Cutting Class (DVD) on Amazon

Cutting Class on IMDB

Cutting Class on Netflix

Darby O'Gill and the Little People

2010-06-30T23:32:00.004-04:00

2 Stars

Walt Disney, you were a scary man indeed. This quote from your movie proves it.

"My thanks to king Brian of Knocknasheega and his leprechauns." -- Walt Disney

First of all, what is the movie about exactly? I have no idea. I just finished gaping at it for 93 minutes and I'm more confused now than when I started. All I know for sure is that a twenty something Sean Connery is forced into a relationship he's not looking for by a trickster leprechaun with an ulterior motive. Then five seconds later everyone is kissing and gawking like it was meant to be. And, just when it looks like the good guys have lost, they haven't. Their savoir? Sheer stupidity. So what does that teach us exactly? Let me recant the tale to help you better understand my quandary.

Darby O'Gill, resident leprechaun expert, is the caretaker of property for some important dude. The important dude decides Darby is too damn old and bony to keep up with all the work so he hires the young, grinning Sean Connery to replace him. The important dude gives Darby two weeks notice before he and his daughter have to move out of their rent free housing and into ... rent free housing that Darby doesn't like as much. IT'S A CATASTROPHIC TRAGEDY! Darby decides that he won't tell his daughter a word of it until after he's figured out the perfect way to tell her. One night he's walking along the countryside for no reason when his horse Cleopatra wanders up Mt. Knocknasheega. That just so happens to be where the leprechauns live. You see, Darby had an unfortunate encounter with the leprechaun king before. He wished for health, a good crop of potatoes, and gobs of gold. Then, being an idiot he wished for a 4th wish and lost all of his previous wishes. This time though it would seem that he is at the mercy of the leprechaun king. The king tells him that he can never leave the subterranean dwelling of the leprechauns. Upon hearing this news he gets all indignant, like the district 5 hockey team, stating the numerous times he's stood up for the rights of the little people. Somehow this conversation turns into Darby playing a Stradivarius violin like a fiddle for 3 solid minutes. Only he doesn't just play, he plays faster and faster until the little dancing leprechauns can't keep up anymore. They hop on their tiny mounts and leave the cave. Darby manages to barely get out before the front door hits him in the backside.

Once home he gathers his effects and begins his rudimentary yet nefarious leprechaun subversion scheme. Success! With king Brian at his beck and call he can now contemplate his remaining two wishes. In the very next scene Sean Connery is singing away about his dear darl'n one and Katie brings him lunch. It MUST be love.

Then Darby goes and fetches a hand me down church bell which was extremely difficult for some reason? This makes him the talk of the town, that and his leprechaun bag. Later that evening Darby is tackled by a wily Connery in a UFC heavyweight bout, uh I mean ... Connery thought Darby was a poacher. It is then and there that Darby blows his second wish by wishing that Connery could see king Brian. FACEPALM! King Brian tricks Darby and only reveals himself to be a rabbit. DAG!

That same evening Darby says he won't wish his final wish until he can figure out how to make his girl happy. King Brian hatches a plan and pays a not so clandestine visit to a slumbering Sean Connery. He tries to talk Sean into marrying Darby's daughter Katie, seemingly without success.

Then Sean takes king Brian's advice and takes Katie to the top of Mt. Knocknasheega. They deny their feelings for a bit and then, EUREKA, she kisses him in true Disney fashion. Just as everything seems to be going so well disaster strikes. Katie finds out about Sean taking her pappy's jerb and she aint so pleased about it. She slaps him right in his soup cooler and storms off into the night. This of course leads to her falling and knocking herself unconscious. Darby goes after her but he has to face the wrath of the Banshee as well as the stormy night. He and Sean find her but she's out cold so they take her home.

Later on the DEATH COACH comes for Katie. Darby, being of sound mind and judgement, decrees that his final wish is to die in place of his daughter. How noble. Too bad he forgot about the 4th wish thing again! So he's riding along in the death coach when king Brian cajoles him into wishing his fourth wish causing all of them go away. Darby is flung from the flying coach with notable velocity and falls to earth like a meat magnet.

The next day Darby is at the pub bragging about his DEATH COACH ride when Pony makes fun of him again. This time ol' Seanny boy is there to punch him right in the eye. This makes everyone laugh at Pony and Sean wins the affection of Katie. They ride off together singing the My Dear My Darl'n One song.

The end. Aww.

So what was the moral of that story I spoke of earlier? If you're dumb enough, long enough, eventually you win.

What are my favorite quotes from this movie?

Darby - "Watch out for poachers!" His advice to Sean Connery.

King Brian - "It was presented to me by the emperor of the Italian faries in 1700. It's a Stradivarius." This was spoken as he describes the "fiddle" he gave to Darby.

Sean Connery - "Is it putt'n the coward's name on me ya are?" His response to king Brian's accusation.

What are some interesting facts related to this movie?

1. Sean Connery can sing?
2. Albert Sharpe who plays Darby was born in EIGHTEEN EIGHTY FIVE!!! 1885! Imagine this, you're watching Back to the Future 3. You see the baby, William McFly. That is how old Albert Sharpe was. Is your mind blown yet?
3. It makes popular the fourth wish limitation. I never knew about that.
4. Banshees are harmless.
5. When you die a stage coach from hell comes to pick you up like Enterprise rent-a-car.
6. Leprechauns looks like rabbits to people who can't see them.
7. It's ok to charge the church money to pick up hand me down church bells.
8. Playing the fiddle can force leprechauns out of their home.
9. It's possible to have a tough reputation and be named "Pony."
10. Darby is an idiot.

This is not Disney's worst movie by far. Should you watch this movie? Sure, why not. You probably have seen it before at some point, it is 51 years old after all. If not give it a shot, what have you go to lose besides 93 minutes?

Darby falls down the well. Damn horse.

How to bag a leprechaun.

The WTF fiddle scene.

Sean Connery can sing?

Sean Connery's leprechaun dream.

Buy Darby O'Gill and the Little People (DVD) on Amazon

Darby O'Gill and the Little People on IMDB

Darby O'Gill and the Little People on Netflix

The Killing of Satan

2010-06-02T09:02:00.009-04:00

3 Stars

In 1983 there was more than one Lando. There was Lando Calrissian and LANDO SAN MIGUEL! This dude's rise from layman to magic wielding bad ass is unrivaled in cinema history. What starts off as a series of unfortunate events ultimately leads to an epic battle of good vs. evil.

Just what the hell is this movie? That question is not as easy to answer as you might think. It's about a guy named Lando, who dies, but he doesn't, but he does. Then when he's not dead anymore he goes on a quest to his uncle's house but when he gets there is uncle is dead from the same wound he suffered. Then, as fate would have it, Lando has been enriched with his uncle's magical powers! He soon discovers that he has the power to heal the lame, stop bullets, and shoot balls of energy at people. Not bad eh? So taking those things into account I guess this movie falls under the 80's Filipino adventure horror fantasy genre.

From there things take an unexpected turn as Lando's daughter is taken from the village. With the help of his friend he goes on a quest to find the Prince of Magic who took her. And just when you think it can't get any weirder we find out that the Prince of Magic is in cahoots with none other that Satan himself! What possible chance does Lando have against the Prince of Darkness who is as old as time? Apparently a pretty good chance indeed. An old seer gives Lando an "I win the game staff" and he proceeds to use it for that purpose. What's funny is that even thought all Lando has to do is use the staff to succeed he somehow bumbles that one assignment on numerous occasions. In the end Lando proves that good looks, an extremely powerful staff, and a brazen mustache are all that is required to defeat Satan and save your family from certain doom.

Why is this movie so good? It's very eccentric. Things happen out of no where, seemingly without cause, which is great! You can never tell what is going to happen next. The English dub of this movie features the services of people who definitely cannot claim English as their first language. This leads to mispronounced words and enough iambic pentameter shenanigans to start a rock slide. I was also immediately won over by the amateurish special effects that are nothing short of charming. The sound effects are straight out of kids shows from the 1960's which only adds to the experience in my opinion. I could go on for days but I'll leave some room for you to form an opinion about your favorite aspects as well.

Why didn't I give this movie a higher score if I liked it so much? From a standpoint of technical achievement it's a disaster. Certain portions of this movie plod along and with the lack of a consistent score I found that many scenes come across as stale and lifeless. I felt that the final cut was too long. I don't know what they should've cut out exactly but perhaps they just should've found ways to shorten the majority of the scenes. While disappointing, the combined effect of these shortcomings is not enough to ruin the charm or the magic that this movie exudes. IT'S CALLED THE KILLING OF SATAN!

My favorite quote from this movie is as follows.
Henchman - "Lando! If you don't come out we're gonna shoot up your house full of holes."

What did I learn from watching The Killing of Satan?
1. In 1983, Chow Yun-Fat had a Filipino doppelganger.
2. You can pass your magical powers on to your nephew.
3. There is a character named uncle Ben. (insert 1 million rice ads here)
4. This is yet another movie where the camera can't focus on a guy because he's wearing a shirt with lots of small lines. It's like you're looking at a stereogram.
5. Black neck ribbons are a symbol of power.
6. Lando freak'n hates snakes. A lot!
7. Satan can change form and shape as long as it fits one of the stereotypical devil outfits you can buy at the store.
8. Underwater mummies can spontaneously attack but pose no real threat because they quickly lose interest.
9. Mute boys know everything.
10. If you ever get shot call your uncle because he may be feeling it too.

Should you watch this movie? Without a doubt. Everyone has to experience this at least once. It's pretty unforgettable.

I told myself that I was going to limit the number of clips to 5 but I just can't help myself. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

Lando vs. a boudler!

You fool, you shot the kid.

How much for the weeeeemeeeen?

Lando vs. a deadly snake ...

Meet the Prince of Magic.

Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn.

Lando = 1 man magical wrecking crew.

Lando vs. Satan.

The spitting image of Chow Yun-Fat.

Look out for sea mummies.

How cool do you have to be for Satan to heil you?

Buy The Killing of Satan (DVD) on Amazon

The Killing of Satan on IMDB

The Killing of Satan on Netflix

Menno's Mind

2010-05-31T21:21:00.008-04:00

1.5 Stars

This movie is a missed opportunity. The cast was there. The idea was there. Ultimately the lack of a competent director killed this movie before it could even get going. It's a shame too if you ask me because the window for a movie like this to make an impact was short indeed.

It goes like this. In the future our lives suck. To make up for the major suckage we opt to while away the hours at a facility called the Resort. This Resort feeds us a government alloted portion of mind candy which we use to cope with the sterile shadow that our lives have become. How does it work? Lets just say the Matrix ripped off some ideas from this movie. A three pronged plug is connected at the base of the spinal cord to a system which tricks our subconscious into seeing whatever the program wants us to see. The immediate applications for such a technology are quickly addressed in a fun tour through the facility. The most popular programs are Safari, Afterlife, Judgement Day, and Candy. In Safari you get to shoot animals that no longer exist in the face! In Afterlife you can visit people you know who died or just look them up to settle an old score. Judgement Day is exactly what it sounds like, you get to play judge, jury, and executioner. Then there's the obvious application, Candy, which is a one size fits all erotic fantasy program. Of course the real goal of the Resort is to make people so hopelessly addicted to their fantasy lives that they have to keep coming back. They really don't spend any time on trying to develop things that will actually help people.

That is where our hero comes in; none other than BRUCE CAMPBELL himself. He heads up a resistance movement that is determined to rid us of this tyrannical mind jobbery once and for all! With the help of a beautiful psychologist ... wait uh ... wrong movie. With the help of ... some lady ... he gets himself shot in the STO MATCH while "hacking ze mainframes." He then shows up at Menno's (YES THAT IS HIS NAME) facilitator booth and demands that Menno help him download his mind into onto a disc. (I noticed that they made this "high density" disc using an 80mm fan and two Sony minidiscs)

Things go wrong for Menno (played by Bill Campbell, Bruce's second cousin) when all of a sudden he has the most wanted man around lying dead in his booth at work. Shoot damn. So he's brought in for "questioning." Convinced he's an idiot they take away his badge and tell him to go home. But for Menno, his strange adventure is just beginning.

The rest of the movie is a tale about Menno and the resistance vs. corruption and The Man. Do they win? Did you really just ask that question?

This movie should've been awesome. It's about Virtual Reality that you plug into your mind just like the Matrix. It shows a dude who is sentenced to three consecutive virtual executions! It also has Michael Dorn, Robert Picardo and Bill Erwin (OMG he's 96 now!). Where did they go wrong? All over the place.
1. The pacing of this movie awful.
2. The effects make Superhuman Samurai Syber Squad look good.
3. The main character, Menno, comes across as an ignorant, bumbling, pacifist that seems to be incapable of thinking for himself.
4. The movie has no flow or cohesion to the scenes. They all just blur together. It feels like there wasn't any particular goal they had in mind when trying to edit this.

What could they have done to make this movie great?
1. Make Michael Dorn's character like Worf minus the forehead ridges.
2. MAKE BRUCE CAMPBELL THE MAIN CHARACTER!
3. Hire a real director.
4. Explain how virtual executions actually kill you.
5. Throw more than $500 at the special effects.
6. Make the villain's motivation about something other than winning an election.
7. Explain how the world became the way it is.
8. Take out all of the BS computer jargon.
9. Make the fight scenes believable.
10. Pay a composer to make a real soundtrack.
If they had done these things trust me, you would've heard of this movie before. Instead this movie suffers a fate worse than death by living on as the Jean Luc Picard who never fought the Nausicaan raider.

Here are my favorite quotes from Menno's Mind.
Bill Erwin - "And by then you're in a fancy computer palace begging for a piece of your past that you threw away."

Menno - "Oh so that's what that disc was for. It uploaded his brain into the system."

Menno - "Wait, what if we use a worm to get inside and then initiate a Mega virus?"
Dorn - "What program has that kind of power?"
Menno - "No program. We'll use Dourif's brain."

Menno - "I've got to run an anti-virus program on my brain. That ought to dump all non-resident data including Dourif's mind back into the computer."

These are a few of the things to seek out while experiencing Menno's Mind.
1. Falling patch cables.
2. A lady being strangled by a patch cable.
3. Monitors that are made of cardboard which go flying when you hit them at full speed.
4. Bruce Campbell hacking.
5. The HIGH DENSITY disc of the future.
6. Henchmen who couldn't hit a walrus with a paintball gun from 3 feet away.
7. Umpteen billion generic sound effects. Including the same door opening and closing sound effect used in every scene.

If I'm so disappointed in this movie why did I give it 1.5 stars? Simply put, the last scene is so face palm inducing and hilariously bad that I couldn't help myself. I just sat there pointing and laughing for a good 3 minutes or so.

Should you watch this movie? Do you like train wrecks? Do you like Bruce Campbell? If you answered yes to any of these questions then by all means be my guest. Elsewise I suggest you look for actual entertainment in places which peddle known commodities. e.g. Stores.

A brief side note. The fact that there is a game called Afterlife in this movie makes me hate Carver's Gate even more because I now know they ripped that off too! BASTARDS!

Sorry another side note. One other thing that bothered me in this movie is the fact that the legal age for virtual sex was 13. That seems a bit young don't you think?

Bruce Campbell the hacker.

THESE GUYS CAN'T HIT ANYTHING!

The hilariously stupid ending.

The "High Density" disc.

Buy Menno's Mind (DVD) on Amazon

Menno's Mind on IMDB

Menno's Mind on Netflix

Murdercycle

2010-05-29T12:34:00.007-04:00

3 Stars

I've come to expect the worst from movies with really good titles. Usually it means they're compensating for how bad the content is. Sometimes the movie itself is so bad that the only way it can draw you in is with an outlandish yet exciting title like Surf Nazis Must Die. I'm happy to report that Murdercycle is a very appropriate title that doesn't disappoint.

Honestly I don't know where to begin. I guess I'll just give you a run down of the simple yet effective plot. A meteor falls from the sky over a secret military installation. A nearby dirt bike dude rides over to the fallen meteorite which attacks him and turns him into the Murdercycle! It's one of the best 4 minute introductions I've ever seen. From there the Murdercycle, well, murders people. It starts with the CIA operative who WAS protecting the secret base but it soon attacks more people when a team of rejects is sent in to investigate. Cut off from the outside world they must neutralize the Murdercycle on their own. The only problem is that none of their weapons work, it's like trying to kill Robocop with an airsoft gun. The Murdercycle however has freak'n lasers and mini energy bombs he can shoot. So you tell me who wins. THE MURDERCYCLE! Add a telepath, a greenhorn marine, a washed up Marine Sergent, and a CIA operative called Wood into the mix and you've got yourself a B movie to remember.

For some reason the Murdercycle helmet produces a pixelated red filter effect which is like every other creature movie you've ever seen. Normally this sort of contrivance is annoying but for some reason it's funny in Murdercycle. Mainly because if that was actually what you were seeing you would pretty much have no chance to ride the bike much less kill anyone.

The telepath steals the show in my opinion. Every time the Sergent needs to know something he just looks over at her and she tries to mind rape the info out of the person's head. Speaking of mind rape there actually is a scene where someone fights back and tries to rape her in her mind! It's our tax dollars in action.

I don't know why but in the little observation shack that sits on top of the secret military base there is, what I like to refer to as, an "Oh Shit! Calamity Box." You know, the thing that has everything you need just when you need it. Man it's a good thing that box was there or else you'd be screwed! It's so deliberately placed that you can't help but laugh.

OH I definitely have to tell you about this. So there is this scene where one of the Marines is on a second floor balcony with his automatic rifle pointed at the street waiting for the Murdercycle to show up. The Sergent dude asks him to fire so what does he do? HE ASKS THE TELEPATH CHICK TO REACH INTO HIS PACK AND PULL OUT SOME AMMO! WTF dude? You're telling me that you're just sitting in position with an empty clip and it never occurred to you to reload? That's bad enough but you ask a civilian to reach into your pack and get the ammo for you? Why not have it easily accessible? THIS IS COMBAT! What a tard.

The end of this movie goes a bit overboard both in terms of the progression of the story and the not so special effects. So in the last 2 minutes of the movie the Murdercycle starts talking? Where was that this whole time? Also, when you're watching these people run around in the underground base you can't help but question how the government was able to build it directly under wetlands, a pond, and other low lying areas! By the end of the movie I had come up with about 25 ways the Murdercycle could've accomplished his mission without dying but I guess being a possessed alien dirt bike killing machine dumbs down the reasoning abilities of your brain. What was the easiest way? Use a crowbar on the door to the underground base, break the glass that the orb thingy sits it, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from Murdercycle.

Marine - "2nd psych?"
Telepath - "Telepathic and psionic research." (her description for what 2nd psych is)
Marine - "Yeeesh, mind reader."

Sergent - "Three words. C I A" (uh those are letters sir)

The Dr.'s description of the Murdercylce's thoughts.
Telepath - "This is wild. It's ... I can't make sense of it. It's like I'm hearing a foreign language but backwards. But there's some English in it. Like ... two voices in one head."
Sergent - "Mouth shut eyes open. Frazetta, North East corner. Buscema, South West edge. Tell me what you hear."
Telepath - "I'm not sure. It's like a chattering static."
Sergent - "Can you give us a direction?"
Telepath - "No ... KIRBY!" (the Murdercycle attacks)

Later on she goes into more detail when describing the experience to Wood.
Telepath - "I heard something I've never heard before."
Wood - "Why don't you just tell us what you heard?"
Telepath - "Something loud. Like two voices ... running together. One human ... one ... I dunno."
Buscema - "Shit. Biker from hell."

Ditko - "You know. This area used to be a good place to live before those E.T. mothers came in and burned every living soul. They really messed up this place somethin' fierce. I got this (shows a scar) trying to save my grand daddy but I wasn't able to. At first I thought it was some military operation you know trying to protect their little secret base. But now I know. It was a full on close encounter of the totally ... lethal kind."
Wood - "Kirby we got work to do are you going to listen to this head case?
Sergent - "Quiet a second. Secret base? You mean agent Coletta's shack?"
Ditko - "No sir I ... Agent Coletta? CIA, now it all makes sense I shoulda known."
Sergent - "What secret base?"
Ditko - "My dad and me we saw them in the middle of the night. 23 trucks full of cement. The fences were already up by then I just figured it was some top secret eeebbbyyy geebbbyyy operation."
Wood - "Alright that's it, Kirby place this man under arrest."
Sergent - "Mr. Wood, if anybody's gonna be placed under arrest it's you."
Ditko - Yah you spook! Mr. Secret Agent Man! With your FREAK'N CIA ISSUE SHOES!"

They find a meteor.
Sergent - "A meteor?"
Ditko - "Hell no man. This is ground zero for the invasion. Who do you think is rid'n that chopper? It ain't Peter freak'n Fonda this is Mr. Saturn come to kick us in our ass! Don't you know anything?"

What did I learn from watching Murdercycle?

1. Murdercycles growl.
2. If you have a huge secret to protect don't leave it up to one guy, a broken down shack, a surveillance system, and a delivery truck.
3. Space meteors can turn you and your dirt bike into seriously effective killing machines.
4. In the distant future of 1997 there were telepaths.
5. The helmet of the Murdercycle provides some of the worst vision imaginable.
6. The Murdercycle can disappear at will.
7. When you're in combat press the X button and LOAD YOUR WEAPON!
8. Don't put a cheap cellar door on the most important secret base on existence.
9. Space meteors hold the key to unlimited knowledge about the universe.
10. If you're telepathic, be careful who's mind you read. You're liable to get mind raped.
11. Don't use spoked wagon wheels for cover.

Should you watch this movie? Definitely! I have arranged a bevy of videos for you.

The trailer.

Dirt bike dude transforms into the Murdercycle!

Those techno beats are fresh

Murdercycle strikes!

What's that little green ball thing?

Wood commits shackicide!

Those damn ramps are tricky to navigate.

Buy Murdercycle (DVD) on Amazon

Murdercycle on IMDB

Murdercycle on Netflix

Airborne

2010-05-27T10:00:00.005-04:00

2.5 Stars

So this movie is interesting. It's about a kid whose parents ditch him and his fun life in the burbs of LA to go to Australia. So they send him packing to is Uncle's house in Cincinnati. Once there he learns more about his awkward cousin (Seth Green) and the differences between LA and the mid-west.

Why do so many people like this movie? That's obvious. It has a very high intangible nostalgia factor, mainly because of the unique cast. Edie McClurg plays the perfect psycho overprotective Aunt and Seth Green was an obvious choice for a weird uncoordinated cousin. Combine all the surfing, roller blading, hockey, bad rock music, and dated hair cuts you could ask for and you have the necessary ingredients for a successful 90's family movie.

Why didn't I explode with joy and give this movie a really good review? That's because it really is just an average movie. Sure it's got the names to make it stand the test of time (Jack Black) but really that isn't enough on it's own to make this movie more than the sum of it's parts. The biggest factor in the equation for me personally was the exemplified stereotypes of the school's social caste system and peoples of the mid-west in general. They practically made Cincinnati look like Siberia. Which didn't make any sense to me because he would've moved there in the Summer time if here was there only 9 weeks before school started. Also, I felt like the writers missed a real opportunity to take advantage of casting Seth Green by neglecting to develop his character's internal struggle with social brevity. Sure the man bumbles around women, everyone has been there, but if he is such a social outcast why doesn't he do any geeky social outcast things? All he does is hang out in the basement and put stickers on the wall.

Another character duo which was underutilized was the Chris Conrad and Jack Black duo. Immediately they hate this new surfer kid from LA for all of the stereotypical reasons. What I didn't understand is why they were so 2-dimensional. It's like someone wrote down "Chris and Jack hate Mitchell but after Mitchell does something they respect they're best friends" on a character description and then didn't give them another thought.

One of the other things I struggled with was the idea that a 16 year old kid isn't responsible enough to live at home with minimal supervision. Why did they have to ship him off to Ohio? It's not like he was a trouble maker. Moreover, since when did all of the schools in Australia disappear? Abandoning Mitchell was just a dick move.

I guess I should talk about Mitchell as well. He is the quintessential surfer kid. When he ain't surf'n he's wish'n he was surf'n. When he's not wish'n he was surf'n he is roller blading around 90's style everywhere he goes. For the most part I understand his motif. I don't really understand the "never fight" mentality. If someone disrespects you and your woman, fight back. It's not ok to let people get away with whatever they want just because you don't condone violence. If dropping someone's pants is the funniest thing you've ever seen then you have a problem. Most of the time I just thought that Mitchell was blissfully laid back when he should've been on guard. In my mind the biggest question mark surrounding Mitchell is WHERE THE HELL DID HE LEARN HOW TO PLAY HOCKEY? He admits that he's never seen a hockey game so how does he know how to stick handle and score? That's like saying you can immediately kick ass at Lacrosse because you're good at running. It just doesn't compute.

What did I like about this movie? For me the best part was the over the top fashion show Seth Green put on to the tune of I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred. I realize that Mitchell's laughter was fake but mine was real. Other than that I thought that the camera work on the final race was nothing short of outstanding. They used very good angles all around. The tracking shot used on the bridge is a striking way to show both the speed and the desperation the kids experienced towards the end of the race.

What was the most baffling part of this movie? Seth Green's sudden sex appeal. It's like he went from zero to hero by failing in public repeatedly. He never changed but somehow after Mitchell's Popeye speech Seth "looks" different to the ladies. I guess it could also have something to do with the fact that Seth stood up for his girl in the diner but all he did was get shoved around so that can't be it right? Whatever the logic was I didn't get it.

Why does the end of this movie suck? It sucks because even though Mitchell and Seth come out on top he still has to move back to LA in a few months. So no matter how good his life gets in Ohio it's all fleeting anyway; which was his whole point in the first place. If anyone is a sucker it's Mitchelll for caring so much about something that he's recognizes isn't worth the effort.

Should you watch this movie? If you like Seth Green, yes you should. If you like 90's teen movies, yes you should. If you're name is not on that list you can skip this one because by the end the movie is very average.

Buy Airborne (DVD) on Amazon

Airborne on IMDB

Airborne on Netflix

Fatal Games

2010-05-26T00:05:00.010-04:00

1 Star

"The Dr. thinks very highly of you and he wants me to start you on retardation injections." Jeez this whole movie is a retardation injection.

This movie is also known as Killing Touch and Olympic Nightmare. What a boring piece of crap this movie is. The premise had a lot of potential which is why I sought it out. BUT IT WAS ALL FOR NAUGHT!

So what is this asstastic pile of Jaleel White cardboard standees all about? I shall enlighten you. It is the "riveting" story of 7 high school kids who are olympic hopefuls in various summer events. The trouble is there is a killer in their midst who is quite good at chucking javelins. You would think that it would be hard to mess up a plot like that but you'd be surprised. All they had to do was make it completely uninteresting, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! I really wanted to like this movie too but it just wasn't meant to be. Whats more is the fact that after they finally reveal the killer's identity, which I had narrowed down to 3 people by that time, they kill whatever momentum they had going by forcing a ripped off plot twist down your throat. At least be original people, we're talking about a javelin wielding killer here. All I'm going to say about the ending is this. Imagine the plot twist from Sleepaway Camp and then, pardon my pun, neuter it. Since it is a weak version of a stolen plot twist it carries almost zero weight and the end result is nothing short of a complete failure. Then, as if they're trying to rub salt in the wound, they have the killer fall and become impaled on a trophy. Is that supposed to be ironic?

I find the tagline for this movie to be strangely appropriate. "The second prize is death!" Although if I was going to make a new tagline today I'd probably pick "Pontificate the perilous podium positions."

So why did this movie get 1 star? I guess I did so for two reasons. The javelin kill cam, and the underwater javelin thrust maneuver. One of which I have included for you below. Maybe my third reason for doing so is the "Take It All the Way" song by Shuki Levy they play during the opening and closing credits.

Should you watch this movie? Certainly not. Surely you jest.

This guy is a TIGER in the bedroom!

That's quite a throw there mate.

He's only got one leg. He only needs one leg. Oh wait.

Don't look down!

Can it get any worse? PLEASE MAKE THE BAD MAN STOP!

Buy Fatal Games [VHS] on Amazon

Fatal Games on IMDB

The Peanut Butter Solution

2010-05-25T09:08:00.007-04:00

4 Stars

Wait, this movie is about what? A kid who has all of the hair "frightened" off of his head? So he then concocts a peanut butter solution with the help of some supernatural friends to restore his flowing locks? Crazy sauce! What's that? That's not even 50% of the weirdness in this film? Free toy inside? I can watch the The Super Mario Bros. Super Show! on Netflix? Gary Busey used to be less crazy? $29 or 2 for $50? A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush? Sammy Davis Jr. once danced at your elementary school? BLAH! TOO MUCH CRAZY IN MY HEAD! SOMEONE TURN OFF THE CRAZY SPIGOT! (Deep breaths) Ok, ok. I'm feeling better now.

Ah yes, The Peanut Butter Solution. A movie I've wanted to see ever since a friend of mine told me of it's existence some 5 years ago. Little did I realize just how unflappably scrumtrulescent the plot would be. If you gave me a bag full of mixed illicit substances and 9 hours in a car riding shotgun with Carlos Beltran on my way to the Kennedy Space Center where I'm slated for a six day jaunt to the International Space Station I STILL WOULD NEVER HAVE GUESSED THE PLOT OF THIS MOVIE! You might as well try to predict where the Black Fortress will appear. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE! Even if you did find it you'd need fire mares to even reach it!

What am I trying to say? THIS MOVIE IS INCREDIBLE. It's like someone stole awesome from the most interesting man in the world while he was drinking Dos Equis and turned it into a movie. Why am I convinced of this? It has Colonel Saul Tigh (Michael Hogan II) from Battlestar Galactica as Billy, an expressionist painter and father of the Michael the protagonist. It also features the first songs ever recorded by Céline Dion in English! Throw in a hilarious kid who loves grapes and doesn't give a damn about the abduction of his sister and you end up with an epic convergence of allegory storytelling so unique that it simply has no equal.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from The Peanut Butter Solution.

Connie - "I'm just hav'n some of these delicious grapes if that's ok with you."

The Dr. - "Great balls of fire. There's not a whisker left!"

Michael Hogan - "I've heard pregnant women get a craving for earth sometimes."

Here are some things that I learned from watching this movie.

1. Writer / director Michael Rubbo is the man.
2. Cats can cause hair loss.
3. BE VERY CAREFUL WHERE YOU APPLY MAGIC HAIR GROWTH SOLUTIONS!
4. If you want to track someone you should stowaway in the back of their vehicle and pour sugar out a funnel until they reach their destination.
5. Having long hair means you can't attend school.
6. There is such a thing as an invisible string detector.
7. French art teachers can be both amazingly, and creatively demented.
8. If you ever go bald don't wear a wig to your soccer game.
9. There is such a thing as being a Chia people.
10. Ghosts only make noise when you're looking at them.

Would I recommend watching this movie? Undoubtedly, in a moment, without any hesitation.

The list of ingredients.

Even kids with hair have the right to an education!

Suzie and Connie talk it out.

The strange but catchy Celine Dion - Listen to the Magic Man song.

Buy The Peanut Butter Solution [VHS] on Amazon

The Peanut Butter Solution on IMDB

The Peanut Butter Solution on Wikipedia

Tarkan vs. the Vikings

2010-05-21T21:10:00.012-04:00

4.5 Stars

"NOT TO 50!" YES THIS IS THE 50TH REVIEW ON 90 LOST MINUTES! To celebrate I picked one of my most favorite B movies of all time. Tarkan vs. the Vikings!

Tarkan vs. the Vikings is a movie that flies in the face of logic and reason. It's roots are grounded in a make believe world where vikings wear brightly colored fuzzy armor, shields, and Ugg boots. It is a strange and mystical land where no one is safe from the wrath of Toro! Adding to the list of dangers is a massive INFLATABLE octopus that kills anyone who gets in it's way. If you combine the setting with 70's Turkish production values you indeed have a B movie gem that will sparkle for the rest of time. Can you tell I love this movie?

Here is the basic plot. Tarkan is a guard for Atila the Hun's daughter Yonca. Out of nowhere, Toro the viking and his men show up at a Hun fort and begin to lay siege. They take Yonca, shoot Tarkan full of holes, and kill Tarkan's "wolf" Kurt with a spear. Tarkan is devastated at the loss of his wolf. Tarkan and his other wolf, also named Kurt, take the crumpled body of Kurt (confused yet?) to a mountain top where they bury him. Stabbing the spear which slew Kurt into the ground he vows to avenge Kurt's death and kill the vikings who caused him so much grief. He never once mentions Yonca. Seemingly, he has absolutely no feelings about her capture, safe return, or well being.

When Toro returns to the viking stronghold with Yonca he kills the viking king Gero. When the king's daughter Ursula returns as well she is greeted by Toro who is sitting in his thrown and drinking out of the king's skull! Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice, we see that Tarkan's shoulder holes have healed up and he begins his search for the vikings. He finds the viking's Cadillac Escalde (viking ship) parked out in front of a bar so he goes inside to investigate. In the bar he finds YET another person who has captured Yonca. When more vikings arrive the situation turns into a rumble that ultimately leaves Tarkan poisoned and face down on the ground. Bad day Tarkan? When he wakes up he buys a dingy and sails across the ocean to find the vikings. The vikings find him adrift at sea and enslave him. Then there is a hilarious jail break scene that simply must be seen to be believed. Once free, Tarkan and Kurt fling themselves into the ocean. They wake up right on the door step of Ursula and her freedom fighterettes, damn convenient if you ask me. Together they hatch a plan to invade the viking fort, take back Yonca, and kill Toro once and for all. Will they succeed? I suggest you watch this movie for yourself and find out precisely how funny the final battle scene is.

Hilarity of this magnitude cannot be repelled by Mon Calamari star cruisers. IT'S A TRAP! I suggest you send a crack team down to Endor to blow up the hilarity generator or else you'll be doomed to laugh at this movie's antics forever. Beware, an entire legion of Tarkan's best troops await you. I sense much laughter in your future.

Check out the great selection of clips I have arranged for you below. I warn you though, what you are about to see is too funny to forget.

Toro and the vikings invade!

They killed Kurt, you bastards!

Vikings vs. BLOW GUNS!

Someone forgot to tip their waitress.

The juice is loose.

Buy Tarkan vs. the Vikings (DVD) on Amazon

Tarkan vs. the Vikings on IMDB

Tarkan vs. the Vikings on Netflix

Future Fear

2010-05-21T11:06:00.006-04:00

1.5 Stars

In the distant future of 2017 mankind has decided to do the dumbest thing yet. In our infinite wisdom we chose to send viruses from a nearby comet back to earth with disastrous results. Now it's up to Bluntskull Beefcake and his wife (the general's daughter) to find a cure to the plague.

Don't let anyone fool you. This movie sucks. It does however have a few funny parts, which makes it worth watching.

Here are my favorite quotes from Future Fear.

Jeff Wincott - "Good morn'n VIETNAM."

Jeff Wincott - "No pickles. That's bullshit."

Jeff Wincott - "Eating just saved my life Robert. Ha ha ha ha."

What did I learn from watching Future Fear?

1. People named Plato Fountidikas die easily.
2. Don't tell your wife you want her to get an abortion after the world has ended. She won't take it well.
3. Don't try to accelerate the growth of test tube babies.
4. Spinning fan blades can easily be stopped by chucking your gun into them sideways.
5. The woman who loves you the most will kill you if she thinks the future depends on it.
6. Three billion people can die in a week and news reporters will remain monotone and calm.
7. Electronic bouncer systems suck.
8. Punching your wife in the face will make you very hungry for a sandwich.
9. Stacy Keach is easy to recognize but hard to remember where you know him from.
10. You can make a flame thrower from bar equipment.

Would I recommend watching this movie? Maybe. It depends on how desperate you are.

The trailer.

Crazy bar scene antics (edited)

Husband vs. wife

4th reich

Punching your wife makes you hungry for a sandwich. (edited)

Buy Future Fear (DVD) on Amazon

Future Fear on IMDB

Future Fear on Netflix

Open House

2010-05-20T09:12:00.005-04:00

.5 Stars

Watching this movie is like watching your uncle resurface his driveway. I have looked satan in the face and his name is Jag Mundhra! If I could bestow it, I would adorn his chestular area with the "Luddite of the year" award. This movie is a complete failure.

Why was that surprising? That's easy. It's about a killer who chooses to use open houses as his moment to dispense lethal force on the unsuspecting women of the real estate business. IT SHOULD BE FANTASTIC! The plot was only thing that drew me to this movie in the first place. Now I see why NOBODY likes this movie.

Where did they go wrong? Everywhere. First of all this is probably one of the most poorly executed scripts I've ever seen. You could tell that on paper this looked great. I'm sure the original script had funny moments, lots of dead real estate agents, and the compelling mystery of the killer's identity. However the only thing that made it to the finished product was about 4 minutes of lame murders. What about the other 91 minutes!?!

Ungh. I was going to give this movie 1 star before I saw the alternate box art that gives away the best part of the movie. The best part is when the homeless killer turns a plunger handle into a mace by adding razor blades. But he only uses it one time and it takes up less than a minute of actual screen time.

Adrienne Barbeau, where do I begin? I found your performance to be particularly lacking. When I wasn't bored out of my mind I was preoccupied with maintaining sufficient control over my gag reflex. Words cannot even begin to vaguely approximate the level of revulsion I felt while watching you "hit it off" with Joseph Bottoms. I will never forgive you for this for as long as I live. Hell, it's not like we were friends anyway.

What is the worst part about this movie? That's a tough one actually. Let me tell you about both of the things I can think of and I'll let you decide.
1. Earlier in the day I went on serious rant about horror movies that use the extremely tired "we traced the call and the killer is in the house with you" cliché. What an awful plot device. In this movie it is used as nothing more than a gimmick to abduct Adrienne Barbeau. Needless to say I was outraged at their complete lack of creativity.
2. The killer is simply a homeless person who moves from one empty house to another. When a real estate agent tried to sell his house he killed her. His explanation for what motivated him to continue killing people was "It's hard to stop something once you've started." THAT'S THE BEST YOU COULD DO?

One more thought that I almost forgot. The killer is kind to kittens. How am I supposed to hate someone who is nice to kittens?

NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU WATCH THIS! If you want to know what happens look at the picture above. If you've seen that, you're not missing anything. Bleh, just talking about this movie makes me sick.

Buy Open House [VHS] on Amazon

Open House on IMDB

Death Spa

2010-05-19T09:30:00.005-04:00

3.5 Stars

I think I'm in love with this movie. Merritt Butrick becomes possessed by the spirit of his dead sister who forces him to terrorize a health spa. The end.

This movie, which also goes by the glamorous title of Witch Bitch, is truly a forgotten gem. As if the box art wasn't enough to tell you this movie is a classic 80's technology/supernatural killing spree celebraganza. What's that, your old video store didn't have that category? You're not alone.

It goes like this. Michael Evans, a young and somehow extremely successful health spa manager, becomes distressed when people start dying off at the Starbody Health Spa on a daily basis. Some have an unfortunate bout of Alka Seltzerization due to the unnaturally high levels of CHLORINE VAPOR in the steam room. While others experience their final moments in close proximity to pointy ended workout implements. From a liability standpoint "They're all pretty bad." Michael suspects the shenanigans of the introverted Butrick immediately. Poor Butrick. But to Michael's dismay it ain't all Butrick's fault. It would seem that space, time, and the netherworld have conspired to bring about the end of his reign as king of the computerized workout business.

We soon learn that this is just the beginning of the nightmares for Michael. He must contend with falling diving boards, malfunctioning computer controlled workout equipment, creepy messages on his computer from his dead wife, wall rocketing shower tiles, his lover's blindness, his feelings of remorse, a missing paranormal investigator, his Butrick-in-law brother, ravenous health spa competitors, a police investigation, his contempt for technology, the deaths of party patrons, the supernatural manifestation of his dead wife asking him to join her in hell, 50,000 volts, his spa catching fire, and the legal problems that all of those things create. Michael is screwed.

Probably the most painful part for Michael about all of this is how his wife died. Somehow, don't ask me how, she epic failed at childbirth and suffered the consequences. Namely paraplegia. To deal with her tremendous sorrow she rolled her wheelchair out into a grassy field, doused herself in gasoline, and immolated herself. Which is not exactly your standard suicidal fare. You know what they say. Troubled in life, troubled in death. Just ask Michael.

I'm simply amazed at the little things they manage to squeeze into this movie. For example this is yet another movie that plays the "Dr. Davis telephone please. Dr. Davis telephone please." sound byte from Queensryche's Operation: Mindcrime. They also showed us how deadly joking about blenders can be and how Arm & Hammer baking soda odor fighting fish can kill you!

Here are my favorite quotes from Death Spa.

Lt. Fletcher - "Yeah, well this accident nearly dissolved the girl. Like an Alka Seltzer."

Lt. Fletcher - "Where were you last night between 9 and 11?"
Merritt Butrick - "At home hacking."
Lt. Fletcher - "Hacking?"
Merritt Butrick - "Hacking ... experimenting with computer programs."
Sgt. Stone - "Are you sure?"
Merritt Butrick - "These are the computer print outs from last night. You will notice the time date and terminal number in the upper left hand corner of each sheet. (slams them down) Will that suffice?"

Unnamed victim - "Nice ... uh ... arms" (He's referring to the witch who just removed part of her top exposing her arms)

Unnamed spa patron - "Besides, I'm Beta, you're VHS." (His reasoning for why he wouldn't be compatible with a spa girl)

Sgt. Stone - "Awww fuck this computer shit!" (Pulls out a gun and shoots a door lock)

Here are the things I learned from watching Death Spa.

1. Breaking glass with your palm on a slippery floor will cause you to flip onto your back.
2. When carefully extracting someone from a lethal tanning bed it's ok to set them down on top of shards of broken glass.
3. The definition of Hacking: is "experimenting with computer programs."
4. Shower tiles are built so that they can explode out of walls at ridiculous speeds.
5. Parapsychology is a legit science.
6. Merritt Butrick isn't very good at fighting off spirit possession.
7. Mirrors can blast you into pieces!
8. In the 80's it was still ok to feed racist lines to black people.
9. Women really do like to shower in groups.
10. Health spa patrons will keep coming back again and again no matter how many people have died on the premises that week.

In conclusion, should you watch this movie? Hell yeah! If you want to see Captain Kirk's son in a crazy role this movie is even more enticing.

Merritt Butrick has had enough!

Mirrors kill people!

He's having a killer workout.

It's survival of the fittest in the freezer.

It's a bad day to be a parapsychologist.

Buy Death Spa (Unrated) [VHS] on Amazon

Death Spa on IMDB

Faceless

2010-05-17T09:39:00.004-04:00

3.5 Stars

Quite simply this is a very unique horror film that actually delivers. The concept is disturbing and the execution is spot on. This movie has believable performances and excellent casting throughout. You will never see another movie like Faceless, it's a one of a kind.

What makes it so unique? The story does. It starts when Dr. Flamand's sister Ingrid takes a jar full of acid to the face! The acid was intended for the Dr. but the attacker missed. This leaves Ingrid with raw meaty flesh hunk for a face. Obviously, she's unhappy about that but what can they do? I know! Let's steal a model from Paris and put her face on Ingrid's body! (Hence the title) But when Barbara (the model) goes missing her rich father (Telly Savalas) tells Sam Morgan that he "wants her back, no matter how much it costs" and sends him to France. The rest of the movie shows Flamand trying to find ways to restore Ingrid's beauty while Sam tries to track down Barbara and bring her home. Oh but there's so much more.

This movie is messed up on a lot of levels. From the concept of a beauty clinic with a secret passage that leads to a padded cell dungeon to the extremely promiscuous acts of voyeurism this movie proves it is not intended for the whole family. Why should it be? It's about stealing someone else's face! Needless to say as the surgeries mount so does the body count which eventually lures Sam to the clinic with an end result of epic proportions. The end of this movie will send a shiver down your spine. No happy endings here, no sir. They simply would never make this movie now, it's far too controversial. Nobody would make a movie about an ex-nazi surgeon mercenary who takes pride in his ability to surgically remove people's faces. You can quote me on that.

With all that twisted stuff and killing they still found time to sprinkle in some comedy and it was truly appreciated. First of all they play the theme song about 94 times in this movie to the point where every time you hear it you start laughing. It's actually pretty catchy. Also, there is a hilarious scene at the apartment of a homosexual photographer who used to shoot Barbara. When Sam comes barging in looking for answers the only thing that can get in his way is DOUDOU! It must been seen to be believed. Also, the trailer for this movie is epic, it might be my favorite trailer of all time. Check it out!

In conclusion any horror fan has to see this movie. This isn't some cutesy teen American horror flick. This movie is an unadulterated, screwed up, European mind flogging in it's purest form.

HILARIOUS FIGHT SCENE! -- Doudou vs. Sam

One of the best trailers ever made. No joke!

Buy Faceless (DVD) on Amazon

Faceless on IMDB

Faceless on Netflix

Cybernator

2010-05-14T14:45:00.009-04:00

1 Star

"Humans bleed good. Humans bleed real good." ACTUAL QUOTE from Cybernator. My reaction? Facepalm.

Do you remember that scene from Apollo 13 where Ed Harris stops and says "What do we got on the spacecraft that's good?" That same logic applies to this movie. What do we got in this movie that's good? The answer. "I'll get back to you."

This movie is a retard soufflé. It's like merging two inane script ideas to form one ginormous megashat featureganda. The reason I say that is because at the 58 minute mark of the film they introduce a second story. The movie is 69.8% over already! (yes, I did the math) That's too late you sponge headed miscreants! Maybe at the halfway point, maybe. That is of course assuming that the second story is good like in Full Metal Jacket. However that is not the case with Cybernator. It reminds me of Grand Moff Tarkin's final edict to the Maw scientists. "The Death Star is terrible. Think of something worse. That is your reason for existence." Guess what Tarkie, they did think of something worse. It's called CYBERNATOR! (Ralphanader?)

The FIRST story goes like this. Bilgeface Pukepants (Brent McCord), our fearless hero police officer, walks into a strip club with his partner. He watches the performance of his girlfriend, BLUE, (your ma boy blue) and has a chat with her afterward about how he doesn't like the "BORGIES" standing in the doorway. At that point I had to take a quick laugh break. BORGIES? Like Victor Borge? Apparently he meant cyborgs; the racists call em BORGIES. Anyway it turns out his suspicion is confirmed when the BORGIES gun down some "well to do" type upstairs. What follows next is one of most brief and pathetic fire fights in movie history. So pathetic in fact that the only good guy who's hurt is Big Daddy Weave (Jim Weaver).

Then some important military dude is introduced and then promptly assassinated by cyborgs in 1 minute 49 seconds of screen time. That must be some kind of record. Can someone please check with Guiness?

Somehow we end up at a hospital where a doctor Veena? has some cyborgs on ice. In the background you can clearly hear the overused "Dr. Davis telephone please. Dr. Davis telephone please." sound byte taken directly from the Queensryche Operation Mindcrime album. What is funny about Veena you ask? She's black but she's trying to convince us that she's Indian by wearing large glasses and speaking with a very fake accent. (Insert every Wayne's World quote ever here) Then she shows Weave and McCord the bodies and says "It is my speculation that it is government property. Probably Army or something like that." So what does Bilgeface do? He takes her uneducated speculation as gospel and leaves convinced that these cyborgs were sent by the Army.

From there the plot just gets dumber. Big Daddy Weave questions some Army Major about the dead cyborgs. Then some random dude walks up to the two cops on the street and says he wants to meet to tell them what he knows. The problem is police captain Fiefer puts the kibosh on their plans by forbidding them to go to the meeting. He forbade them to go but they decided to show. (that rhymes) Big Daddy Weave pays the price for that decision with his life. McCord gets in a fight with the cyborg called Captain Hair which ends with El Capitan skulking away after he had dealt a serious blow to McCord. Wait what? Why didn't he finish off McCord? That don't make no sense y'all.

Ok, so then McCord chews out the Army Major dude, gets taken off the case by his captain, and goes home. He convinces Blue to help him go on a killing spree but not before they have some sweet McLovin. This sex scene is the haziest, foggiest, smokiest sex scene in movie history. Why is their bedroom so damn smokey? Regardless, I thought it was funny that McCord has more chest hair than Wolverine.

(Insert review writing intermission here) I stopped and took a break because I didn't want to think about Cybernator anymore. So I laid down on the floor and looked up at the ceiling when I noticed that the hallway light fixtures look a lot like Borg cube distribution nodes. So I wondered if I shot one with a phaser would the collective intelligence of the house stop to scratch? (End of intermission)

Once fully clothed McCord and Blue break into some office building where they find a file cabinet that has all of the cyborg info they could ever ask for. Then McCord gets the shock of his life when he finds out that ... HE IS A CYBORG!!! DUN DUN DUN! What? Really? Where are his cyborg parts then? Oh, they're conveniently hidden inside his body because he's a "Blackhawk" class cyborg. Whatever, what a bunch of BS. With this new knowledge in hand McCord runs away and exits a stairwell when he promptly gets SHOT THROUGH THE HEART, AND YOU'RE TO BLAME. Colonel Peck (played by Will Smith, NO not the one you're thinking of) says "I want him in my office in 5 minutes." I'm thinking "Isn't he dead?" Apparently he was just knocked out by the red laser gun that kills everyone else. But Major Payne refuses and instead takes him to his halfway house of mayhem.

The SECOND story begins when Bilgeface wakes up from his slumber with electrodes connected to various points on his body. He meets the doctor who created him initially and the Army Major who has been tasking him this whole time. DUN DUN DUN. It would seem that they made a bunch of cyborgs that they can't control and now they plan to extort McCord into helping them by threatening to kill his stripper girlfriend. McCord flip flops like a Democrat but eventually decides to help them because how else is he going to see his girlfriend again? Gee I don't McCord? Perhaps you could use the automatic rifle in your hands to shoot your captors IN THE FACE! Or you could do what they say for no good reason, which is what he decides. So he straps on a bunch of guns and walks out the door with killing cyborgs on the mind.

The ending is ... well ... retarded. Suffice it to say McCord cleans house with the rest of the cyborgs. Including one cyborg that knows kung fu whom he shoots like Indiana Jones from Raiders of the Lost Ark. Even though he does the Major's bidding he still feels the need to drive up in a sports car and steal Blue out of the house where she's being kept instead of asking for her back. Which is dumb. The end.

Should you ever watch this movie? Hell no. How did I know it was going to suck before hand? The box says Troma. Why did I watch it? It was recommended by someone who is no longer my friend. Why did I give it 1 star instead of half a star? Probably for the truck bed fight scene and the Captain Hair fight scene. Which I have magically arranged for you.

The truck bed fight scene.

McCord loses his cool while Blue tries to talk him down. Maybe you should put some shorts on or something, if you want to keep fighting evil today.

McCord takes Captain Hair to school.

THE NEVER ENDING STAIRWELL SCENE. NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART.

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Piñata: Survival Island

2010-05-10T18:13:00.007-04:00

1.5 Stars

This movie is also known as Demon Island. It is the first movie I've reviewed that is actually popular enough and bad enough to be found in the IMDB bottom 100 worst movies of all time. Trust me, it deserves that assessment.

What's it about? Lemme splain. Once upon a time a bunch of people from a Central American village called Mogaña did some really bad stuff. What did they do? They never really explain that. Whatever they did was so bad that it stopped raining. So Piñata Pete was forced to make a mystical piñata that could store the sins of the villagers; whatever they might be. He made it look really fearsome and added some demon eyes just for fun. Then he got everyone to line up and cast off their evil spirits into the piñata. After it was fully charged they carefully hid it away to make sure it was never disturbed again right? NO, THEY THREW IT INTO THE DAMN RIVER! See ya later extremely dangerous piñata. Our village is saved but man I'd hate to be the person who finds you. What a bunch of idiots.

Fast forward to the year 2001. A smattering of college Greek life retards are driving a pair of motorized rafts towards an island that belongs to Woodson University. While on the water they do smart things like throw water balloons, shoot water guns, get people's luggage wet, and even moon each other. We're 8 minutes in and already it looks like most of them won't survive.

Once on the island STAR TREK VOYAGER ENSIGN HARRY KIM takes the day off so he can run an organized game of "collect the underwear." They've "hidden" 2,500 pairs of underwear all over the island and now our hopeless teens have to pair up and find them. Whoever brings back the most underwear by the end of the day wins. What they didn't tell them is that the boys and girls are going to be handcuffed together to make it fair for everyone. One part I don't understand is that Harry Kim and his friend went through all the effort of loading up the island with underwear but they only gave the kids one flimsy trash bag apiece. Oh, I almost forgot. They also hid piñatas all over the island full of mini bar sized bottles of alcohol. You know, for fun. Because nothing is better for you when running in the hot sun all day than drinking gobs of lukewarm alcohol.

The murderous mayhem begins when one pair of teens manage to unlock their handcuffs. They then start smoking weed, gallivanting, cavorting, kibitzing, and generally acting like dumb asses. The girl, now high as a kite, finds a creepy piñata on the shore. She drags it onto the beach and they get the bright idea to open it because it "definitely isn't from this year." They whack it with a stick which does nothing. BIG SURPRISE! Then they hit it with a rock and unleash all of the pent up hell inside. It really reminds me of an episode of SeaQuest called Something in the Air where they open a Totino's pizza roll shaped box that had a demon inside. The funny thing is, as much as that show sucked at times, that episode was way better than this movie. Anyway, so all of the pent up evil is released and the piñata comes to life. It starts kicking ass and taking names almost immediately when it kills Bill ... uh ... I mean Bob. (Inside joke for those who've seen this movie) Fraidy cat scaredy pants goes running off into the woods screaming, hoot'n, and holler'n. Apparently after that the piñata decides to string Bob up in a tree? This becomes a behavioral pattern that is never explained.

The rest of the story is something that you will just have to experience for yourself. Explaining it would be like trying to express what it feels like to watch ice crystallize. Oh wait, I've got it, it's boring. I will however tell you the things I learned from watching Piñata: Survival Island.

1. Demon vision is parsed through a series of blurry, and ultimately useless concentric triangles. Translation? They can't see shit.
2. Four wheelers explode VERY easily.
3. One hit from a joint is enough to make you extremely high.
4. You should always forgo drinking water and drink plenty of 80+ proof alcohol whenever possible.
5. Never take a raft when you could take a BOAT!
6. College kids suck at collecting underwear.
7. Sticking together only works when you don't separate.
8. Piñata demons can change their form at will.
9. Clay piñatas that are fired in a kiln are not only highly combustible but they also tend to EXPLODE when exposed to heat.
10. If you make a piñata full of sin, DON'T THROW IT IN THE RIVER FOR ANYONE TO FIND!

For me this movie was only worth watching because Harry Kim is in it. I don't know why but I like that guy and I am a fan of watching him get bashed in the head by a killer piñata demon.

Harry Kim gets whacked by a killer piñata.

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Phase IV

2010-05-09T13:09:00.006-04:00

3 Stars

Commonly called Phase Four. This movie is a bit strange. Ok, so it's really strange. That is part of the reason why I like it. The other reason why this movie is good is simply the level of detail and passion that went into filming the ants. It's the best you'll see outside of dedicated nature discovery programs. I still don't know how they put logos on the ant's foreheads.

So what is this movie? Simply put it is a bunch of ants who are under some alien influence tearing a swath through the desert. Anything or anyone who stands in their way is summarily discontinued. That means people, cattle, other insects, buildings, and everything else. The government builds a dome right next to heart of the ant colony and gives two scientists all of the equipment they should need to learn about them and devise a strategy for defeat. After weeks of idle observation the government gets impatient and the scientists are forced to goad the ants into attacking them. BAD IDEA! The ants do attack and they soon realize just how smart they are when they manage to destroy the only machine keeping them in the fight.

This movie hearkens to an earlier time in technological history. A time in which computers could do anything simply because they were computers. A time when all you needed was a plotter and a sonar dish and you were the biggest badass around. I think you get the idea. Also, nowadays if we saw a message from the ants that consisted of a circle with a dot in it we wouldn't be able to figure it out. The arrogant people of our generation would look at that and say "Stupid ants drew a circle" not "Oh, hey I get it."

I think the true terror of this movie comes in the form of the cold calculating hive mind of the ants. There are numerous shots of their collective blank stare which makes you think they're somehow plotting your death. It's pretty creepy actually. Then ending doesn't bode well for humans either, so that also has a contributing effect.

What am I trying to say? This is a good movie. It is shot in a trippy and artistic way that is very refreshing. The lead scientist is very unfriendly but extremely intelligent. It's not every movie that has the balls to throw a lead character at you who has no remorse for death of people. I also really like the 70's technology used in the film.

Should you watch this movie? If you like watching ants and if you like weird 70's horror/sci-fi movies then yes, you should. Everyone else will probably just scratch their head and say "You're watching what?"

There's only one thing about this movie I don't get. How do ants make concrete?

The original trailer. See, I told you it was weird.

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For Your Height Only

2010-05-06T16:04:00.004-04:00

4.5 Stars

This movie is a riot; a complete joy to watch. It's very funny and on top of that the action sequences are quite unique. I loved it. Why didn't I give it a perfect score? That's easy. It's not Alluda Mazaka. UNGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA UNGA UNGA UNGA UNGA HA HA.

Agent 00 is played by a wondrous fellow named Weng Weng. Yes, he's so nice they named him twice. I was saddened to learn of his death at age 34 but it is not surprising given that he was only 2'9". As such, he still is the shortest person ever to play a leading role in a movie. Verne Troyer is an inch shorter but has never played the lead. Anyway, (wiping tears from eyes) this little guy is hysterical.

The story goes like this. A dude named Mr. Big, who speaks to his minions using an infinity mirror, wants to cause major havoc in the world from his "hidden island." Agent 00, who's identity is about as secret as a 50 ft billboard advertisement, is out to get him. Standing in his way are several mid-bosses. All of whom have their own small musings for power and destruction. Agent 00 finds unlikely "pals & confidants" along the way (not in the form of Golden Girls). Throw in a bunch of fight scenes and the same 3 audio tracks looped over and over and you've got For Your Height Only.

Why does this movie succeed? Easy. It features a 2'9" secret agent who single handedly whomps 4 metric tons of ass. Why did I love it? Also easy. For the same reason it succeeded. Would I recommend it? HELL YEAH!

Here are some great quotes.

"Well, they're pretty big on drugs and they said they'd peddle my pretty bod as a prostitute."

"You're such a little guy though. Very petite like a potato."

Here are some things I learned from watching For Your Height Only.
1. Some Filipino gangsters have Bronx accents.
2. They actually named a business "The Banana Gold & Silver Mining Company."
3. HATS CAN KILL!
4. You don't need a soundtrack. Just loop the same songs over and over and call it good.
5. This movie has shockingly good photography.
6. Be wary of the height of people named Mr. Giant.
7. If you don't have enough money for henchmen uniforms just give them cabbie hats and Konica Minotla t-shirts.
8. Don't celebrate a victory until the enemy is dead.
9. This movie has some of the best dialog ever conceived.
10. Extremely short secret agents have mysterious yet evident sexual powers.

Watch this movie! It's the law.

The awesome trailer

Too many great clips!!! I give you links.
1. Flying hat = frightened gangsters
2. These henchmen are very stout fellows
3. You're under attack. SURPRISE!
4. EPIC MIDGET BAR FIGHT!
5. Accent a go go

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Phantom of the Mall: Eric's Revenge

2010-05-04T14:13:00.010-04:00

2 Stars

This is the kind of movie that will kick you right in the Rob Estes. I say that because it contains far more than a lethal does of Pauly Shore nudity. Bound within the confines of this film are discarded script ideas from half a dozen other writers. With their powers combined they form ... THE MOST MEDIOCRE HORROR MOVIE EVER MADE.

So if your brain is still making you read this then you must have a much higher tolerance for Pauly Shore nudity than I do. I've seen this movie twice now. Do you feel sorry for me yet? Well, I guess I should tell you something about it. Do I have to?

Picture Phantom of the Opera. Then make it stupid. Then add Pauly Shore as an ice cream vendor in a mall. WHERE ARE PAULY SHORE'S PANTS? Then add about 10 minutes of worthless fight scenes. Sprinkle in a few explosions and you've got Phantom of the Mall: Eric's revenge. An instant classic right? Nein, meine freunde, nein! I'd be more quick to classify it as an instant ... doorstep. A meaningless thing upon which your dirty feet trod for the rest of eternity. I wish.

What did I learn from this movie?
1. You can get electrocuted just by touching the outside of a wall mounted power panel.
2. Your eye's somehow dislodge themselves from their happy socket homes when introduced to an intense electric shock.
3. People who dwell inside of shopping mall ventilation systems have KICK ASS AV setups.
4. Watch out for snakes in public bathrooms.
5. A camera flash is plenty of time to enter a vehicle and move over one seat. How long is that in milliseconds exactly?
6. Punching TVs hurts like a sonofabitch.
7. Opening a mall is a black tie event.
8. The mayor always goes down with the mall. It's maritime tradition.

So really. Why would you ever watch this movie? Take my advice and don't. But do watch the "nifty" fight / decapitation scene below.

EDIT 5/6/10 - I forgot to mention the lyrics to the song that plays during the end credits. Check it out.

"Is there a phantom in the mall?
Folks are bound to ask.
Is he the phantom of the mall?
Or just some retard in a broken hockey mask."

Really? Nice.

"Hey D' Artanian. Don't lose your head." -- The Three Musketeers

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Phantasm

2010-05-02T10:50:00.007-04:00

2.5 Stars

Ok, so this movie is supposed to be really good right? That's what I was told. That's all I've ever heard about this movie is that it is the "ultimate" mind trip. It's not. Why you ask? Because even though it is weird and the premise is unique. It still doesn't make any damn sense when you stop and think about it. This movie raises more questions than it answers and I honestly just can't stand writing like that. Not because I need to have my hand held. But because I like to be able to understand the motivation of the characters. I want to know things like WHY people are doing something a specific way. If you can't tell the story in such a way that the audience can understand and follow along then I think you've failed as a writer.

I know what you're saying. If you didn't understand the ending then why don't you just watch the next one? They made 3 sequels after all. You know what. That sucks. I didn't spend 2 hours watching a movie just so I'd have to spend 2 more hours watching the sequel to understand the first one.

I really wanted to like this movie. They had a good thing going for the first 100 minutes. I just kept waiting for them to turn up the heat and really scare me. Maybe this used to be a lot scarier. All I know is that 31 years later it has definitely lost something.

Watch this movie only if you have intentions of watching all 4 of them.

Ye olde trailer

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